“The thing I’m most afraid of is the potential for loss. I got over losing my career, and after a while I got over losing Kimmie, but I really don’t want either of those things to happen again.” I drag my fingertips along her collarbone. “I’m aware that the road ahead of us isn’t going to be an easy one, and that we are part of each other’s lives in an inextricable way. But I think we could be good together.”

“I’m scared, Jake,” she whispers.

“Of what?”

“Of falling for you, of what could happen with this baby, of the possibility of getting my heart broken again.” Her throat bobs with a thick swallow before she continues, “But I still want to try to be an us.”

“That’s good. Me, too. On all fronts, but I want this with you.”

“So do I.”

I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lips, kissing her knuckles. “Does this mean we’re dating? Officially?”

“I think it does.” Hanna exhales what sounds a lot like a relieved sigh.

It echoes the weight that’s lifted from my shoulders. “Do I get to call you my girlfriend then?”

She ducks her head and smiles. “That seems reasonable.”

“I think so, too. Does this mean I don’t have to sleep in the spare bedroom anymore?”

“You didn’t have to sleep in the spare bedroom in the first place,” she reminds me.

“Yeah, but that was before, when I was just the ride you were riding, not the boyfriend.”

She tips her head back and laughs, but when her gaze meets mine, her expression is suddenly serious. “You were never just the ride, Jake. You should know that by now.”

“And you were never just a secret I was keeping.” I slip my hand into her hair. “Now that we’re dating, can we make out?”

“Absolutely.” Her fingers curl around the back of my neck and our lips meet.

It feels like a promise sealed. A kiss for a kiss.

_______________

IN THE MORNING we head to the doctor’s office for the ultrasound. The majority of the people sitting in the waiting room are in their mid-to-late twenties. There’s one couple where the husband looks to be close to my age, but the wife doesn’t look to be more than thirty-five.

When Hanna’s name is called, the attendant asks me to remain in the waiting room, and I’m told they’ll call me in during the last few minutes of the appointment. I’m not the only one waiting to be called in. There are two other guys, the one who also looks to be closer to my age and another guy who’s maybe twenty-five at best. The younger one has earbuds in and is playing some kind of game on his phone. The guy closer to my age is clicking away on a mini tablet, probably answering emails.

Neither of them seems particularly worried or excited. Or anything really.

I’m an anxious wreck by the time an attendant calls me in. And that ratchets up another several notches when I step into the room and the first thing I see is Hanna dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

“Is something wrong?” I feel like my heart is suddenly in my throat and the room seems to shift under my feet.

“Everything’s okay, Jake.” She holds out her hand and I step forward to take it, gripping it tightly. “These are relief tears. Come here and have a look at Jake Junior.”

I bend and kiss her forehead, then the tip of her nose and her lips. “Thank God. I’m going to need to learn how to differentiate between sad and happy tears over the next few months, aren’t I?” I cup her face in my hands and am about to kiss her again when someone clears their throat.

I glance to the right, where the technician is standing with the ultrasound wand in her hand.

“Oh, hey. Sorry. I was a little nervous waiting out there.” I thumb over my shoulder to the door.

She gives me an understanding smile. “Jitters are normal.”

I blow out a breath and Hanna’s words when I first walked in finally register. “Wait a second. Did you say Jake Junior? Are we having a boy?”

Hanna’s grin lights up her face. “It looks that way, and so far he’s meeting all the important milestones. We very well may have another little hockey player on our hands with how active he is.” She tips her head. “Come around the other side so you can see.”

I move around the table, taking in the mostly flat expanse of her belly and a small, faint scar, maybe from an appendectomy.

I crouch down beside her and kiss her temple again. I know I need to cut it with the PDA and being overly touchy, but for a very brief second, I thought something bad had happened. That’s all it takes for me to realize the ambivalence I first had about this has shifted. I want this baby, not just because Hanna does, but because I’ve become invested.

The technician moves the ultrasound transducer over Hanna’s stomach, stopping when she gets to a small baby-shaped shadow on the screen. And then the sound of our son’s heartbeat fills the room.

I’d like to say that I keep it together. That I don’t get emotional. But that would be a lie. “You’re sure it’s a boy? I didn’t think we’d be able to tell yet.”

“I would say we’re more than ninety-five percent certain it’s a boy,” the technician says while wearing a smile.

Hanna smirks and I have to wonder what the conversation was like before I entered the room.

“Like father, like son then?” I murmur in her ear.

She barks out a laugh, and our son bumps around in her stomach before he settles again. Hanna grips my hand tightly. “Don’t make me laugh like that. I’m holding a liter of water, and I’m about ready to pee my pants.”

“Sorry.” I kiss her cheek again. “We’re having a boy.” I understand better now how she must feel. Excitement and worry take up equal space in my head. Knowing the gender makes it more real.

“We really are.”

“How far along are we?” I try to remember the markers with Kimmie, but it’s been so long. “We must be out of the first trimester, right?”

“That’s right,” the technician says. “You’re just over fourteen weeks, and the due date should be around March second.”

“Okay.” I filter through the game schedule in my head. “I can make sure Alex is set up so I don’t have to travel with the team when we get close to your due date.”

“I don’t expect you to do that. I know how important your job is.”

“You and our baby are my top priority, and there’s no way I’m going to risk missing him coming into the world. But we can talk more about that later.” I’m jumping ahead, but I’d been at a game when Kimmie went into labor and I only managed to get to the hospital as Queenie was being born. I don’t want that to happen again.

The technician leaves, and Hanna takes a trip to the bathroom while we wait for her doctor.

The excitement over finding out that we’re having a boy is replaced by anxiety all over again when her doctor arrives to discuss the results of her blood tests.

I take Hanna’s hand in mine as her doctor takes the seat across from us. I feel like I’m holding my breath. I’ve done plenty of reading over the past week, and I’m very aware of the potential genetic complications we might be facing.