She closes her eyes and tips her head back for a second, taking a deep breath. When she meets my gaze again, she gives me a sad smile. “Okay, Han, we have three decades of friendship, and I’m not going to start bullshitting you now. I know if I’ve been thinking about this, there’s no way you haven’t.” She reaches out and takes my hand. “You didn’t get to be a mom the first time around. Even if Jake wasn’t in the picture, three months will never be enough for you. Hell, you’d sell your house and move into an apartment if it meant you could spend the next two years raising this baby full-time. Even when you and Gordon were together, you planned to take at least the first six months. It might be time to reassess. Maybe you don’t need the promotion. Not right now, anyway. Maybe you put it off for a few years, or indefinitely.”

“But I’m on my own.” I swallow down the anxiety that comes with this discussion. All things I know I need to deal with but haven’t yet.

“But you don’t have to be,” she says gently.

“Jake and I just started dating. We’re not even close to the merging-our-lives stage.”

“And you probably won’t be if you stay here and he stays in Seattle. But what is that going to look like in the long term? He raised Queenie on his own. How happy do you think he’ll be trying to part-time parent from across the country? How happy will you be?”

I drag my hand down my face. These are the things that keep me up at night. The thoughts I keep pushing aside because I don’t want to face the truth. Maybe I’m more like my mother than I realized. “Not very.”

“I think maybe the promotion is masking the bigger issue, which is you really looking at the whole picture. I know what you’re scared of, Hanna, and I’m not saying you need to make this decision tomorrow, or that you should, but you need to consider what the future looks like after this baby is born. So you’re going into this with eyes wide open.”

“I’m afraid to start planning beyond doctor’s appointments because of what happened the last time,” I tell her.

“I know. And I empathize completely. Your fears are legitimate. But you can’t keep doing that when the decisions you make now will affect your future. You’re past the first trimester hurdle, which is a big deal. I know there are more genetic tests coming up, and those are scary, too. But I think you need to figure out the point where you feel safe, and then you need to start making decisions with Jake, as a team.”

“Maybe after the amniocentesis and the second trimester blood tests?” It’s framed more as a question than a statement.

“If that’s what it takes to make you feel safe, okay. But you and I both know you were half in love with him for months, so I’m not sure putting it on hold for a few more weeks really makes sense.”

“I guess I want some kind of control over some part of this, and Tennessee and the people here are currently the only consistent, stable thing I have to hold onto.”

“It’s hard when you’re at the mercy of your own body. But setting up roadblocks is only going to make your relationship with Jake that much more of a challenge.” She props her cheek on her fist and sighs. “I haven’t forgotten how sad you were after the wedding. Maybe you didn’t want to admit you were heartbroken, but I could see it.”

“I wanted to do the right thing.”

“Ryan is an adult. And sure, this might be hard for him to come to terms with, but what if you and Jake are right for each other? You’ll never know if you’ve got one foot in and one foot out. From what I’ve seen, he’s the type of man who would sideline himself because he doesn’t want to take this baby away from you. He already knows what you’ve been through with Ryan. He’s seen how hard it’s been. And so have I. Hell, it’s why you ended up in Tennessee in the first place.” Her voice is soft and it cracks at the end.

“My whole life is here,” I say meekly. It’s really the only thing I have left to hold onto. And she’s right. Jake will one hundred percent step back, even if he doesn’t want to. For me. And doesn’t that tell me everything I need to know?

“None of us are going anywhere. And your past might be here, but I think you and I both know your future is waiting for you in Seattle. You’ll never know if it’s supposed to work out by staying here.”

CHAPTER TWENTY

Big Steps

Hanna

THE NEXT DAY I call Jake—on video chat—and tell him what happened, including the trip to urgent care and how things went with my parents. Before I can tell him that I’m considering making the move to Seattle, he gently suggests that we need to talk about our future living situation.

His concern is clear on his face and in his voice. “Can I fly out so we can talk about this in person?”

“If you think you need to, but I agree that it’s something we need to discuss.”

“I’ve been looking into options close to Tennessee, but there aren’t any GM positions that aren’t still a flight away, which defeats the purpose. I’m willing to take a lower-level position if I have to, though,” he says.

“Oh, wow.” I’m not sure why I’m surprised to hear this. “I figured I’d move to Seattle.”

“I don’t want you to be the one giving up everything. It was selfish to assume you’d want to move here.”

“It doesn’t make a lot of sense for you to take a lower-level position, though. And you’ve already given up one career, I don’t think it’s fair that you’d have to give up another one.”

He’s quiet for a few seconds before he says, “Let me book a flight. I can take a couple of days off and we can figure it out together. This is a big decision, and I don’t want it all to fall on you. And honestly, I need to see you. In three dimensions. So I know you’re okay. I don’t love that you’re this far away and I can’t be there when you need me.”

_______________

HE ARRIVES THAT evening, and the second he’s in the door I find myself wrapped up in his arms. I don’t expect him to be as emotional as he is. Or the searing kiss he lays on me that makes my knees weak.

“That felt like the longest flight I’ve ever been on.” He cups my face in his hands. “If I need to, I’ll take a leave of absence from the league.”

“Can you do that? Is that best for the team?” I can’t see an abrupt change in upper management being easy.

“It’s not about what’s best for the team, Hanna. It’s about what’s best for us. I don’t think I can live in a state of anxiety like this for the foreseeable future.” His honesty is shocking, and frankly sobering.

So we sit down and talk it out. What the pros and cons are if he takes a leave of absence, or moves to another team, versus me moving to Seattle.

“My firm has a branch in Seattle, and I could apply for a transfer?”

“What about your promotion? Would that carry over?” Jake is sitting on the other end of the couch, my feet in his lap.

“It really depends on if they’re looking for a branch manager or not.” I trace the heart at my throat. “I looked into it when Ryan first found out he was my son, thinking it might be a good move for our relationship.”