I thought I’d been getting better. I thought I felt normal for the first time in a long time, even when I couldn’t remember the last time, but I was still here.

I was seeing a mom with children, wishing that were me. I was seeing a retired woman and wondering if she had kids. If she did, how many? Were her kids happy? Were they also content?

I still missed her.

I had to scoff at myself because I thought I was okay with it, not having my own mother. I missed her. I loved her, and I thought I had closure at losing her. Perhaps not? Was that why I was here again? Still looking for her, but knowing I couldn’t, so I sought out a replacement? Is that what this was?

If I couldn’t look for my own mother, then I was looking for other mothers?

Or maybe it was their homes?

I didn’t know. I just knew that I came here with a feeling in the middle of my chest, and it grew, and grew, and grew until I found this clearing, and now the feeling was spreading through me.

I was still not normal.

That was depressing.

I sighed, letting the sound carry from me as I reached for my drink. Lifting the bottle, I saluted the families that I was watching and tipped my head back.

Then I waited.

ZELLMAN

When you get a text from Bren with coordinates, you don’t question it. You show up.

I learned that lesson long ago, maybe in seventh grade. Bren was a chick who didn’t waste words. She didn’t need attention. She didn’t do anything that was extra. She was not a normal chick, and I knew, I’ve always known that I’d never meet someone like her. Ever.

So here I was.

Pulling up by her truck, her coordinates farther up, and I was sloshing my way through these woods.

That’s another thing about Bren. Trees. She liked ’em. Trees were her thing. That and spying on people. She and Cross didn’t think we knew, but we did. We knew about her ‘spot’ back in Roussou. Doesn’t take a fricking genius. It was overlooking her old house, and Bren was haunted by that. Like, literally. Ghost of her mom. Ghost of losing her brother, though, she got the righteous guy back, and then you know, the whole shit and caboodle thing with her dad. That’s a brain exploder if I ever heard of one, so I guess I wasn’t too surprised to find my crew member sitting in a ball, her knees pulled to her chest, her gaze staring out over some rich folks’ houses.

And they were rich.

Pools, shiite.

One day I was hoping to get a house like that. It’d be better than the trailer I grew up in, though I couldn’t gripe too much about it. My grandma and my older sister kept it cleaned. Outside the trailer might look like crap, but inside was nothing but class. Then again, that’s how my women folk rolled, Bren too.

“Yo.” I plopped down, settling in. The grass was lumpy, but I got comfy and glanced over.

Bren was watching me, the side of her head resting on her knees and she had a half-smile.

I looked in those eyes. Yeah. Haunted, but happy too. Happily haunted. It was a step up from the old Bren, and I nodded to myself, grunting. “I need to worry you’re going to break into one of those backyards and pick up all the pool toys?”

She froze a second, her eyes big, and then she started laughing. “You know about that?”

Another grunt. See. So much we knew that she didn’t think we knew. “I have my ways.”

“That’s embarrassing.”

“Don’t sweat it. I love the inner criminal saint you have inside of you.”

Her cheeks were getting red.

I made Bren blush. I felt like a fucking superhero for that feat.

Then, I asked, “What am I doing here, Bren?”

Her shoulders lifted, held, and lowered. Didn’t know why she needed to settle herself, but she did that often. She always seemed worried about someone or something. That would’ve exhausted me, but I wasn’t Bren. I cared about my grandma, my sister, Jordan, Cross, Bren, and Sunday. I didn’t give a fuck about anyone else. Not Bren. She cared about the world while she was denying to herself that she did.

“I wanted to ask about Sunday.”

Left curve.

I didn’t see that one coming.

“I dunno. She’s okay, I guess. Haven’t heard about the baby.” And because I knew Bren, I added, “But that’s not really why you asked me out here.” I nudged her with my arm. Lightly. “Come on. Spill. What’s going on in our head?”

She shot me another grin that was half a frown. Another look only Bren seemed to have perfected. Didn’t know how she did it, but I loved her for it. “Cross and I went back to Cougar Lanes. We broke in. He wouldn’t let me in a room, said I shouldn’t see it, and when we came back last night, he called Channing about it.”

I waited, but she didn’t continue.

Okay.

Bren was saying things, giving me crumbs, but she couldn’t bring herself to really say what she needed to know or hear or be reassured about. I had to put my thinking hat on for this one.

She told me what they did. Coolio. Breaking and entering was always a good time.

Cross called her brother about it, so yeah, he found something out that would upset B. That’s a no-brainer and made sense with everything else happening. And here she was, finding a spot to watch over a bunch of homes like she used to, and I was the one she called.

Why the fuck was I the one she called?

I was thinking I needed to run down what she would’ve gotten from the other two…

Jordan was Mr. Cut Off right now. He was in a dark place. Bren was usually in a darker place, so maybe she didn’t want to go to an even darker than normal place? And with Cross… yeah. I was thinking it would’ve been the same. The two of them were tight, but they were tense. Cross didn’t fuck around. He got to the point of shit, no matter the consequences, and then I could assume the two would move to the rabbit part of their relationship, because that was another thing J and I knew. B and C loved fucking. A lot. But cheers to them. Each person should get their rocks off as many times as they could.

I felt it was a worthy mission for the world’s population.

So. Me. I was back to me. I wasn’t as intense and dark as the other two. I could get there, mostly when I wanted to bust heads, but sneaking a peek at Brennie Bren, I wasn’t getting that vibe either.

She didn’t want dark.

That was it.

That’s why I got called, and then I grinned, knowing instantly what she needed.

I threw an arm around my girl and yanked her into my side.

“Zellman!” She laughed.

I ignored that ’cause I was just giving Bren what she wanted. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to smile, but she also didn’t want to avoid it anymore. That wasn’t her style either.

That I could do, no problemo.

“Okay. Let’s break this down.”

She stiffened.

“Your dad did something for you, something you say you were going to do, but I don’t buy it. I think you did what you did, and it was done.”

She tensed now.

Yep. I went all the way back, to the night her pops was arrested. Bren stabbed the guy, thought she’d do more, but I didn’t think she would. Her dad did, and so here we were.

“Your pops, he decided to go the extra mile. Not you. You’re letting your own blame train rail you, if you get what I’m saying.”

A whole lot more tense.

I kept going, “Your dad went to the pen. That’s where people go who did what he did. Then he made some powerful friends, and their lawyers mixed with a bad cop and your dad got sprung. Whoop-de-doo, right? Right. Because no matter how you slice it, your dad’s free, but Brennie Bren.” I patted her far shoulder, bouncing her against my side. “I don’t know the details of your job stuff, but the arrest warrants were for your dad’s friends, not your dad. Your pops isn’t hiding. He’s doing what he’s doing back in Roussou, so I wouldn’t worry about it. You gotta trust some people, and one person I’d trust is your brother. If he calls and tells you to worry, he’ll call and tell you to worry. If he doesn’t, then I wouldn’t worry. You’re letting yourself get all eaten up inside about shit that I don’t think you should be.”

She was silent, still tense, but not as bad as before. She picked at a piece of grass, pulling apart the blade. Her voice came out quiet. “And if they try to use me to get whoever they want to get?”

Okay. I had to read between the lines again. She was talking about her job, or I was guessing.

I held her tight against me, lowering my head so my chin was almost grazing the top of her arm and shoulder. “If they try doing that, then they ain’t the ones you want to move forward with. Simple as that.”

She glanced sideways at me, peering a minute before her mouth twitched. “Why does it make so much sense when you say it?”

I chuckled with one last squeeze before I let her go. “It’s my curse. Making shit make sense without the doom and gloom.”

She laughed, but nudged my chest with her elbow. She did it softly, though. “Thanks for coming.” I nodded, all serious now. “For real, though, Bren. I don’t know what’s all going on, but I’d think your brother and father both wouldn’t want you worrying.”

She nodded, straightening and wrapping her arms around her knees. She pulled them to her chest, her head laid on the top of them, as she turned my way. “I think it’s a conscious decision I have to make, not to worry. You know?”