I looked at my stuffies, deciding which ones I wanted with me if the ‘other time’ happened.

The stuffies helped, especially the wolf one. And the dragon one. Both were so soft and heavy.

I liked them a lot.

“Hey, baby.” She came in, kneeling down beside me.

Her perfume was heavy today.

That wasn’t a good sign.

She leaned in, smiling at me, and reached up. Her finger traced over my forehead, tracing a hair strand and tucking it behind my ear. She kept her hands on my forehead, a light and loving touch.

Sometimes Mom would lean in and kiss me, whisper her sweet things, and I liked that Mom.

I hadn’t seen that one for a long time, though.

“Hi, Mom.”

Oh man.

I expelled some air, sticking my tummy out. That came out all soft and whispery, like I was scared.

She didn’t like when I sounded like that.

The look in her eye switched, and she pulled back a bit. Her hand pressed in to my forehead, but then she blinked a bunch and gave me another smile.

I relaxed a little then.

She was trying not to have ‘that look.’ I could always tell when she was trying.

Couldn’t say anything about it, but I still knew.

I’d only need my stuffies to sleep tonight. That was good.

“I wanted to tell you that you have a friend coming over to play later. A neighbor girl. You guys are the same age, so I think you’ll get along fabulously.” She glanced at my stuffies and laughed softly. “You might have to share a stuffie or two. Is that okay?”

I smiled at her, trying to make her feel like I loved her with my eyes. She always liked that a lot, and I kept my smile stretched as far as I could get it to go. Sometimes it hurt, but that was fine. Always worth it. She liked it when I showed her my teeth, too.

She said that was cute.

“Of course, Mama. It’s always nice to have a friend.”

“Yes.” She continued to watch me, then a softness came over her. She traced my hair again, a loving touch on my forehead before she blinked her eyes a whole bunch again. Leaning in, she rested her forehead to mine before moving and resting her cheek there. She tugged me into her arms. “I just love you so much. It’s good if you had a friend. Right?”

She pulled back.

I nodded, that smile hurting my face. “Of course, Mama.”

The doorbell rang.

Remembering now, as we drove away, a tear slid down my face.

Over my cheek.

To the corner of my mouth.

It lingered, holding before it slid to my chin.

It held there.

I’m sure it fell, but I let it be.

Somehow it seemed appropriate.

I knew why this memory came today.

I knew why they were all coming back to me.

62

Raize

We were driving back when my phone lit up.

Recognizing Jake’s number, I hit accept. “What’s wrong?”

“We’re in trouble.”

Abram leaned forward. “Explain, man.”

“We found a tracker on that guy. It was in his wallet.”

“Get out of there. Now!” I hit the accelerator, already knowing we could be too late. We were thirty minutes out and I didn’t know these roads.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

“On it.”

Dialtone.

No one said a word the last fifteen minutes. There was no reason.

Abram had his gun out and he was getting ready. He had two more guns on him. All were loaded.

He glanced my way, motioning with his head in Ash’s direction.

I nodded.

Without a word spoken, he handed her one of the guns. She had her other gun out as well, and her hand reached up, wiping at her face.

I frowned, but seeing my look, she flashed me a tight smile.

She was nervous.

“Ash.”

“What?”

Her tone was even. That was good. She wouldn’t lose her shit. If anything, she’d kill everyone to save that dog of hers.

“You need to stick to me.”

She slammed in the magazine for her gun and checked the safety. “I know.” Then she rested that gun on her lap, and gazed out the window.

“Text Jake,” I told Ash. “See if he responds.”

“Should I call him?”

“No. If he forgot to put his phone on silent, I don’t want to risk alerting anyone if they’re hiding.”

She thumbed off a text, and I went through what we might find driving back.

The worst-case scenario was that they had Jake and Cavers, alive.

This life, to me, that was always the worst case. That meant torture, prolonged death, dismemberment.

Me? Death was my first choice. But damn, that was before I had people who cared about me. Ash cared.

Ash was enough.

Maybe torture would be my choice, there was a chance of escape then. As long as you’re breathing, there’s a chance.

Fuck.

It was rising in me. I was locking down.

It was me or them.

It was my men or them.

I was getting ready to head to a gunfight.

It was Ash or them.

Them weren’t them anymore.

The feelings went first.

They were people.

They were obstacles. They were weapons.

They were a threat against me or mine.

The emotions left me.

Any kindness. I no longer cared about the world, just mine. That was it.

I flipped a switch. All the color was gone. Everything was in different levels of gray. Black. White. Dark gray. Light gray. Someone would either live or die. I would either kill them or they’d kill me.

After that, the mind began to clear out the thoughts I didn’t need.

My mission was to get in, assess Jake and Cavers, and proceed from there.

Kill, if people were between them and me.

Five minutes later, we arrived.

Jake never texted back.

ASH

I was a mix of emotions.

Fear. Anticipation. Readiness.

The same old, same old.

What number was this for me? Of fighting? With shooting?

I’d lost count by now.

And I knew Raize was turning his killer mode on. I could see it happen. He stripped himself of his humanity, keeping whatever was left that helped him become the murderer that he needed to be. Abram had been in that one fight with us, but I could tell he didn’t know how to take my changes when I got my gun ready.

He had two.

I had two.

I didn’t know how many Raize had or where his rifle was, but then it didn’t matter.

We were going into this fight.

We were either going in to get Jake, Cavers, and Gus out or we were going in to avenge them.

It was actually simple, and I was past freaking out about it. Me and mine or them.

It was becoming like that to me.

Raize didn’t turn into the driveway. He kept straight and took the first half road that led from the street. Once we parked, we moved fast.

Raize was out of the car and hurrying, getting his own guns ready. He had the rifle in the back of the Suburban, under a compartment, and he put it together, then slung it across his back. After that, he shut the door and we were off.

Raize first, leading the way.