I draw in breath and try to calm the machine-gun beat of my heart. I sit up straight, my hands on my thighs. My skirt is hitched up a bit, and I clutch tight to the bare skin above my knees, digging my nails in tighter and tighter, using the pain to help pull me out of this fog.

I breathe deep. “My mother,” I say. “Whoever is doing this got these from my mother.”

Beside me, Damien gently plucks one hand off my thigh and holds it tight. Guiltily, I relax my other hand.

“Your mother?” he says. “What are you talking about?”

I relay Jamie’s conversation with my mother.

“This is good,” Damien says, releasing me long enough to type out a text on his phone. “It’s solid information,” he adds, since I must look confused. “A definitive connection. I’m going to have Ryan speak with your mother. I think he’ll have better luck getting her to cooperate than I will.”

I nod, then arch my neck as I look toward the desk. There is nothing there. “Where—”

“I put it away.” His voice is as gentle as the hand that eases my fingers once again off my thigh. I jump a bit; I hadn’t realized I’d started again, but I can see the small red crescents where my nails cut into my skin.

“I—” I look away. I’m too transparent, my wounds far too visible. I desperately wish that I didn’t need the pain, but I do. I do exist, goddammit, and if I’m going to have any chance of pulling back to myself, I need it desperately.

“Tell me,” he says softly. “Tell me what you need.”

I look down at the fading crescents. “You know,” I say, my voice low.

“I do, baby.” He slides off the love seat to kneel on the floor. His hands are on my knees and he gently spreads my legs. “You want me to touch you.” His voice is as gentle as the pressure of his thumb upon my inner thigh. “You want me to fuck you. You want to feel the sting of my hand against your ass or the burn of a rope around your wrist.”

His words mesmerize me. They slide over me like warm water, seductive yet dangerous. So deep I could drown in them.

“You want to draw in the pain—to turn it around inside you.” His hands slide roughly over my thighs, pushing the skirt up around my hips to expose the white lace triangle over my sex.

My breath comes faster now and I am hyperaware of my body. Of the way the nubby upholstery presses into my thighs. Of the heat coursing through me, running in vibrant currents from Damien’s hand to my cunt, to my breasts, to my nipples. I arch my back and slide forward a bit with my hips. I want to feel his hands upon me. Hell, I just want to feel. I want the explosion, and yet at the same time, I want this. His touch. His words. His slow build to passion and that sharp sting of pain mingled with pleasure that I know is coming.

He grabs the hem of my shirt and pulls it over my head in one swift, violent motion. I hear myself moan and feel my breasts tighten with need as the muscles of my sex clench with longing. Damien tosses the shirt aside and grabs my hip with one hand, shoving the skirt up around my waist. With the other hand, he fingers me over the lace panties, rubbing and teasing me through the delicate material as I spread my legs wider in shameless, wanton greed.

I want it hard and fast. I want to latch on to the pain—to use it as a rope to find my way back. I want it—and I am certain that Damien understands it.

His fingers glide over bare skin on either side of the thong, so close to my sex and my clit—but without actually touching—that my frustration is almost as keen as the pain he knows I am craving. He slides the hand on my hip up to my breast, then pinches my nipple through my bra as he yanks the thong to one side and slides three fingers deep inside me.

My breath comes in shudders and I squirm against him. I’m no longer sure what I need anymore except him. And now. Oh, please, now.

“You want the pain because it’s what gives you the power to beat it—to haul yourself back and say fuck you to the world. It’s a gift, Nikki—that red-hot sting. And I will be the one to give it to you.”

He tugs his fingers out of me, then flips me over as if I weigh nothing and carries me toward my desk. He puts me on my feet in front of it and orders me to bend over. I do, the bulk of my skirt between my hips and the edge of the desktop providing some padding.

He stands off to one side, and as I watch, he tugs his belt free. I bite my lower lip, imagining the feel of leather against my rear. I wanted his hand, but this—oh, yes, I can imagine it. The shock, the sting. The building sensation as I close my eyes and grab hold letting the pain focus at my core.

“Is this what you want?” he asks, and from his tone I realize he had not intended that. But Damien is nothing if not adaptable, and I see the tip of his head and the rise of his brow. Then the slow smile when he nods. He moves behind me, one hand stroking circles on my bare back. “You’ll have my hand, too, because I can’t bear not to touch you. But if this is what you need—”

He punctuates the word with a lash to my ass and I cry out from surprise and pleasure. The sting is exquisite, and I bite my lower lip, then moan in delight as he rubs his palm over the tender flesh. There is another sting, then another, and with each I feel myself getting wetter. I imagine my rear turning red, and Damien’s large hand cupping me tenderly, stroking away any lingering pain that I have not claimed and drawn inside.

“Is that what you needed?” he says after four strokes. He is behind me, his trousers and briefs gone. His palms are on my rear, and his cock is hard between my legs, the length of it stroking me and teasing my clit. “Do you need more? Tell me, Nikki. I want to hear what you need.” His voice is raw with excitement, and I know that he needs this as much as I do. And that knowledge turns me on even more.

“You,” I say, lifting my ass and spreading my legs wider. I grip the sides of the desk and sigh from the sweet sensation of my breasts hard against the desktop. “Inside me now. Like this. Right here on my desk. And hard. Please, Damien, fuck me hard.”

“Oh, baby.” He thrusts inside me, using his hands on my hips to piston us together as he pounds and pounds, using me, taking me. I feel the stirrings of my climax inside me, and squeeze my eyes shut, wanting to draw it out. He is so thick, and he’s going so deep, and all I want is for this to last. The sensation of him filling me. Of every thrust causing the bunched up material to rub against my clit. I am lost in a sensual web, and it isn’t until I feel the tremors run through Damien and know that he is close, that I start to let myself go so that—oh, God, yes—I can explode when he does, my body squeezing tight around him, drawing every last bit of pleasure out of him.

And then, sated and breathing deep, I sink my head down onto the desk with a moan of deep satisfaction.

He molds his body over mine, and I do not know how long we stay like that. Then he scoops me up and carries me back to the love seat, curling me up on his lap and covering me with his suit jacket.

I snuggle close, then lift my head to look at him. I cleave now to Damien instead of the pain, and the beautiful, wondrous thing is that he understands. Hell, he understands better than I do.

A single tear escapes and he brushes it away with his thumb, his eyes like a question mark.

“I need you, Damien—God, I need you in ways that you understand better than I do. But I feel so selfish. So—”