She nodded. “Okay, but we should talk about this later. Maybe we can look into therapy.” That was Mama’s fix to everything—first prayer, then therapy. She walked over to me and kissed my forehead. “I’m only this way because I love you, Grace. I hope you know that.”

“I love you, too, Mom.” That wasn’t a lie.

I loved my mother, but oftentimes, I wondered if I liked her. I wondered if she wasn’t my mom if I’d like her as a fellow human. Most signs pointed to no, but still, I loved her as the woman who gave me life even when she told me I needed Jesus’s help to fix my womb.

I listened to Judy say goodbye to Mom, and when the front door closed, I let out a sigh of relief.

It only took a few seconds for my sister to pop into my room, the palms of her hands rubbing against her eyes as she groaned. “That was fifty million times worse than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be awful.” I scooted over on the bed and patted a spot beside me. She gladly took it and leaned her head on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Grace. If I’d known she would be that bad—”

“You’d what? Tell her not to come over? Let’s face it, this night would happen regardless. It’s fine.”

“Ugh, yeah, but she’s just so…so…ugh! She’s so mean to you. I couldn’t imagine ever saying the things she said to another person, let alone to my own daughter. It just pisses me off.”

Her face was bright red, and I felt her body shaking as she grew more and more upset about the things Mama had said to me. I almost laughed out loud because seeing Judy so angry was such the opposite of who she was ninety-nine percent of the time. Her version of cursing was saying “pisses me off,” and it took a lot for her to get to that point. Mainly, she only grew angry if someone attacked the people she loved the most.

“You’re my favorite person,” I told her.

“You’re my favorite person,” she replied. “I’m just shocked neither of us picked up smoking to deal with her stressful ways over the years.”

I laughed. “Or cocaine.”

Judy smiled my way and shrugged. “I have no idea how Dad has spent so many years with her dramatics.”

“A separate bedroom helps.”

Judy looked up at me and clasped her hands together. “This is going to be good for you, Grace—a reset to your life, a rebirth. Please do me a favor and don’t let Mom get too much into your head. I know you overthink things, but this is good. You made the right choice. Finn is a piece of crap, and don’t even get me started on Autumn. I knew something was off with her from the first day I met her. I hate her. I hate him. I hate them.”

“I appreciate the hate.”

“I’ll always hate for you. I love you, sister.”

“I love you, too.”

“What can I do? How can I make you feel better?”

I shrugged. “I think I need some time alone.”

She frowned. “Not to overthink, though, right?”

“I think overthinking is the only thing my mind can do right now.”

“Grace…”

“I’m okay, Judy, I swear. I just need some time.”

Judy agreed even though she didn’t want to do such a thing. She left the room, and I lay there in the bed with only my thoughts.

That was the worst companion I could’ve had that night.

After a while, my phone began to ring, and Finn’s name flashed across the screen. I didn’t answer because I knew if I did, he might’ve lied to me, and I stupidly might have believed him. He called me three times after that and left a voice message every single time.

Like a fool, I listened to them.

He asked me if we could talk. He begged me to hear him out.

Yet I didn’t have any desire to see him anytime soon, so in the darker room, I sat as my anxiety began to build. Anxiety was a wild beast. It attacked me most in the quiet moments when the world was calm and I, too, should’ve been calm. Yet that was when my mind began to spin. I stayed in bed, overthinking every aspect of my life. My heart and my mind were at war.

There was no way I’d be able to sleep. My body was exhausted, yet whenever I closed my eyes, Finn popped in my head. Right after his image, I’d see Autumn and her beautiful tears and her perfectly perfect body.

Walking over to the full-length mirror in the corner, I inhaled deeply and exhaled it slowly. There were purplish bags beneath my eyes, my T-shirt was tucked into only one side of my jeans, and my hair looked awful.

I couldn’t blame Finn, really. I hadn’t put a lot into myself over the past few years. Even though it hurt me, I understood why his eyes wandered. Maybe Mama was right. Maybe part of the flawed marriage had to do with me.

Unable to shake off my hurts and Mama’s insults, I did the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better.

I went to visit Dad at the church. If anyone in the world knew how to soothe sad hearts, it was the first man who ever loved me.

*

Walking into the church, I felt the emptiness of the space that was recently packed with individuals full of belief or searching for hope. I couldn’t help but smile as I saw Dad standing at the podium, wearing his thick-framed glasses and staring down at his upcoming sermon. He was such a handsome man. He had a head full of hair peppered with gray, crystal blue eyes like the sea, and a smile that could make the saddest soul feel whole.

Judy always said I had his eyes, and I always noted that she had his smile.

As he spoke into the microphone, his voice would echo throughout the space, bouncing off the walls. Then he’d grimace, shake his head back and forth, and mark up his sheets of paper.

“No, no, no, that’s not it,” he murmured into the microphone, displeased with his delivery.

“It doesn’t sound that bad to me,” I shouted, making him look up from his papers. I started walking down the aisle toward the front of the church, and as I drew closer, his smile grew brighter.

“Tell me I’m not seeing a ghost and my daughter really is back in town,” he said, removing his glasses and placing them on top of his head.

“Not a ghost yet,” I replied, walking up to him. It only took seconds for him to wrap me in an embrace.

“It’s been too long, ya know,” he told me, holding me tighter. “We missed you at service this morning.”

“I know. Sorry about that. I wish I could’ve made it.”

As he let me go, he took a step back and smiled my way. “You look beautiful.”

I laughed. “Makeup works wonders.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not makeup.” He linked his arm through mine and walked us down to the front pew. We sat, and he kept smiling his bright smile my way. “Not that I’m not happy for the sweet reunion, but what brings you back to Chester, baby girl?”

I raised an eyebrow, bewildered. “Mama didn’t tell you? I was certain she would have after our falling-out tonight.”

“Falling-out?” he asked, baffled. His thick eyebrows knitted, and he rubbed the nape of his neck. “I haven’t heard a word from her. So what’s going on?”

My chest tightened. A big part of me hoped Mama had already gotten to Dad so I wouldn’t have to watch the disappointment hit him as he learned about the failure of my marriage. As I swallowed my pride, I proceeded to tell him everything that had happened with Finn. I couldn’t look him in the eyes as I told him, though. The guilt and embarrassment were too difficult for me, so my stare stayed focused on my shaking hands.

As I finished, I closed my eyes, waiting to hear his thoughts.

“Hmm…” He let out a deep sigh and placed a hand on my knee. “Marriage is hard.”

“Harder than I ever thought,” I agreed.

“Is it completely over?”

I snickered. “He’s with my best friend, Dad. I think it’s as over as it could ever be.”

“No, I get that, but your heart…is your heart completely over it? Is there any part that wants him back?”

I grew quiet because the answer was yes, and that embarrassed me.

I was ashamed that parts of me still longed for him.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Grace,” he said as if he could read my mind. “It’s okay to love someone even though they wronged you. You can’t pretend your feelings don’t exist because you’re afraid of what those feelings might mean. Sometimes, the hardest thing in the world is to love someone who broke your heart.”

“I do love him,” I whispered, my throat painfully raw. “I hate him, too, though. How is that possible?”

“We were created to feel, Grace. It just so happens that sometimes our feelings come out of order. It’s amazing how one second, your heart can beat for love, and in the next, hate can sneak in. You’re not in the wrong for anything you’re feeling.”

“Mama disagrees. She thinks I’m making a mistake by not fighting for our marriage.”

“What do you think?”

I shrugged. “I’m really not sure. Everything spiraled so fast. I feel so lost.”

“You’re not lost; you’re just figuring things out. And now you’re home for a while, which is good. You need to be surrounded by familiar things and people. You just need to find your footing is all. Home is healing.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said sincerely, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Always and always,” he replied.

“Your advice was a lot better than Mama’s.”

“And what was her advice?”

“Therapy.”

He laughed and nodded slowly. “Sounds about right.”

10

Grace