Feeling even more morose, I stare at the long shadows and golden pink hues painted across my study walls by the sun as it sinks into the horizon.

Why does she defy me?

I pick up my fork and dig into my meal, twirling the pasta into a big, solid bite of bliss. It’s delicious.

Ana has left the lamp on for me again. She’s fast asleep, and as I slide into the bed beside her my body comes alive. I hunger for her.

I contemplate my plan to fuck her into agreeing, but deep down I know she’s made up her mind. She might say no, and right now I don’t think I’d survive the rejection.

I turn onto my side, away from her, and switch off my light. The room is plunged into darkness, reflecting my mood; I’m more miserable now than I was this morning.

Damn. Why did I let this get so out of hand?

I close my eyes.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy is asleep on the floor. She has been asleep for a long time. I brush her hair because she likes that. She doesn’t wake up. I shake her. Mommy! My tummy hurts. It’s hungry. He isn’t here. I am thirsty. In the kitchen, I pull a chair to the sink, and I have a drink. The water splashes over my blue sweater. Mommy is still asleep. Mommy, wake up! She lies still. She is cold. I fetch my blankie, and I cover Mommy, and I lie down on the sticky green rug beside her. Mommy is still asleep. I have two toy cars. They race by the floor where Mommy is sleeping. I think Mommy is sick. I search for something to eat. In the icebox I find peas. They are cold. I eat them slowly. They make my tummy hurt. I sleep beside Mommy. The peas are gone. In the freezer is something. It smells funny. I lick it and my tongue is stuck to it. I eat it slowly. It tastes nasty. I drink some water. I play with my cars, and I sleep beside Mommy. Mommy is so cold, and she won’t wake up. The door crashes open. I cover Mommy with my blankie. He’s here. Fuck. What the fuck happened here? Oh, the crazy fucked-up bitch. Shit. Get out of my way, you little shit. He kicks me, and I hit my head on the floor. My head hurts. He calls somebody and he goes. He locks the door. I lay down beside Mommy. My head hurts. The lady policeman is here. No. No. No. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. I stay by Mommy. No. Stay away from me. The lady policeman has my blankie, and she grabs me. I scream. Mommy! Mommy! I want my mommy. The words are gone. I can’t say the words. Mommy can’t hear me. I have no words.

“Christian! Christian!” Her voice is urgent, pulling me from the depths of my nightmare, and my despair. “I’m here. I’m here,” she cries.

I wake and Ana’s leaning over me, grasping my shoulders, shaking me, her face taut with anguish, eyes wide and brimming with tears.

“Ana.” My voice is a hoarse whisper, the taste of fear tarnishing my mouth. “You’re here.”

“Of course I’m here.”

“I had a dream.”

“I know. I’m here, I’m here.”

“Ana.” Her name is an incantation on my lips, a talisman against the dark, choking panic coursing through my body.

“Hush, I’m here.” She curls around me, her limbs cocooning mine, her warmth seeping into my soul, forcing back the shadows, forcing back the fear. She is sunshine, she is light. She is mine.

“Please, let’s not fight.” I wrap my arms around her.

“Okay.”

“The vows. No obeying. I can do that. We’ll find a way.” The words rush out of my mouth in a tumble of emotion and confusion and anxiety.

“Yes. We will. We’ll always find a way,” Ana whispers, and her lips are on mine, silencing me, bringing me back to the now.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Dr. Flynn rubs his chin and I don’t know if he’s playing for time or genuinely intrigued. “She threatened to leave?”

“Yes.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“So, you capitulated.”

“I didn’t have much choice.”

“Christian, you always have a choice. Do you think Anastasia was being unreasonable?”

I meet his gaze and want to shout yes, but deep down I know Ana isn’t an unreasonable person.

That’s you, Grey.

Unreasonable could be your middle name. Ana’s words haunt me. She said that, long ago.

Christ, my negativity is a real prick sometimes.

“How are you feeling now?” Flynn asks.

“Wary,” I whisper, and my admission is a jab to the solar plexus, almost winding me.

She could leave me.

“Ah. Your feelings of insecurity and abandonment are coming to the fore again.”

I remain mute, distracted by the sliver of afternoon light that brightens the cluster of mini orchids on his coffee table. What can I say? I don’t want to admit this out loud. It makes my fears real. I loathe feeling this weak. This exposed. Ana has the power to wound me and deliver a fatal blow.

“Is it giving you second thoughts about the wedding?” John asks.

No. Maybe.

I’m afraid she’ll hurt me.

Like she did before…when she left.

“No,” I answer, because I don’t want to lose her.

He nods, as if this is what he wants to hear. “You’ve relinquished a great deal for her.”

“I have.” I stifle my indulgent smile. “She’s a good negotiator.”

Flynn rubs his chin again. “Do you resent that?”

“Yes. Partly. I’ve given so much and she won’t give me this.”

“You sound like you’re mad at her.”

“I am.”

“Have you thought about telling her that?”