When she looks out, she sees the city she already knows, and the places she’s already been and everything she’s already lost.

* * *

—

X and me at Surf City Waffle, unexpected candlelight flickering all around us. We’re trading a pen back and forth, writing and rewriting words to his song. It feels like learning to dance, the way we stop and start again until the words match the feeling we’re trying to capture. It feels like discovery, the way I’m learning not just about him, but about myself too.

* * *

—

X and me kissing for the first time on the beach with the ocean so loud and all around us, it feels like it’s inside us too.

* * *

—

X and me right now, so in love and kissing in a brightly tinseled ballroom.

* * *

—

X and me in a car driving east down a long empty highway lit only by our headlights and the moon. Tomorrow we’ll be in Bryce Canyon, but for now we’re just on our way. The radio is on and the windows are open and the night air is warm and close. Sometimes the world is full of such abounding joy, it’s hard to know what to do with it all.

* * *

—

X and me in a mostly dark hotel room. Moonlight sneaks in through the curtains that don’t quite close.

There’s only one bed. He kisses me and my hand slips under his shirt. His lips are on my neck.

“Are you sure?” he asks me before we go on.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I say. “Yes.”

Then we are nothing but hands and lips and wanting and having.

The world changes after that, the way colors surprise you after a rain.

Has the grass ever before been this green? Or that tree branch so black?

* * *

—

X and me in my small, dim dorm room. I’m holding my own guitar—the one he bought for me—in my hands.

“Show me what you’ve been practicing,” he says.

I play the song I’ve been working on, “Miss the Future.”

He kisses me after I’m done. “That was beautiful, and I’m not just saying that because I’m in love with you.”

“I dunno,” I say. “You do love me an awful lot.”

“Come sing it onstage at our next show,” he says.

At first I hesitate, but then I say yes. I wonder if being with him will always feel like discovery.

* * *

—

Me, alone, in a bedroom. It’s nighttime and the lights are off.

My face and my chest and my ribs hurt. They hurt the way muscles do when you use them far too much for far too long.

I’ve been crying. I’m crying still.

I try to take a deep breath to calm myself, but it’s painful. I try for a shallow one, but any amount of air is too much. A small breeze sighs across my face. I turn my head toward it. Streetlight through the open window paints a shadow on the floor. The edges are clear and they are sharp.

I look down at my hands and the thing I’m clutching between them.

It’s a funeral program. There’s a photograph of X’s face. The caption reads In loving memory: Xavier Darius Woods.

The date on it is ten months from now.

CHAPTER 49

Gone, Part 1

APPLAUSE ROARS AROUND us. Because of our kiss, there are hoots and hollers too.

I rip myself away from X.

He reaches for me. “Evie, what’s wrong?”

I back away and close my eyes against the confused hurt on his face when he realizes I’m running away from him.

Everything hurts. The air around me hurts.

I run and run until I’m gone from here. I run until I’m gone.

CHAPTER 50

Love and Its Opposite

I DON’T FEEL the wind through the open window of the cab. Or the soreness of my feet from my heels as I climb the stairs to my room. Or the throbbing of my scalp where my hair is pinned too tight. Or the scalding of the too-hot water against my skin. Or the slippery coolness of my sheets as I slide into bed. Or the warm tears on my face as I cry myself to sleep.

I don’t feel anything at all.

The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s death.

CHAPTER 51

Gone, Part 2

<Sunday, 3:31 PM>

 X: Hey, where are you?

 X: They’re about to announce the winner

 X: Where are you?

 X: Holy shit we won

< 4:05 PM>

 X: Hey, been calling and calling

 X: Why’d you take off like that?

 X: You ok?

< 6:08 PM>

 X: Give me a call

 X: Please

 X: Let me know you’re ok

 Me: I’m here

 Me: I’m fine

 X: Just tried calling you

   Me: I know

 Me: I’m sorry. I can’t explain

 X: What’s going on? Did I do something? Going too fast again?

 X: I can slow down

 Me: It’s not that

 Me: I just don’t think this is going to work out

 X: What’s not going to work out?

 Me: Us

 X: I don’t understand

 X: You changed your mind about being together? About NY?

 Me: Don’t change your life for me

 X: I want to change my life for you

 X: I know the thing with your parents messed up how you feel about love

 X: But what we have between us is going to work out

 Me: No it won’t

 Me: I’m sorry