And I feel like shit.

Because I do love him, but…

My stomach twists with sadness.

What is wrong with me?

I don’t feel jealousy. I don’t feel attachment. I don’t feel that rush of closeness. I don’t feel anger. I don’t feel anything except the physical release of an orgasm.

And it’s not just Duke. It’s been like this with others too. Up until now, I always thought it was them, not me. This time it’s different.

Deep down, I know.

A lone tear rolls down my face and onto my pillow. I’m filled with a sadness I can’t comprehend. I’m lonely… but I’m not.

I’m with someone but I’m alone.

It’s like the men that I’ve loved have broken me.

I know they were douchebags, too, and I know that I deserve better, but it’s as if my heart no longer believes that I’m worthy of being loved so it blocks everyone out before they get the chance to hurt me.

Duke always jokes and calls me the Ice Queen. Is it true?

I wish I met him before. I wish I met him when I could have loved him.

I would have given him my all.

He stirs and kisses my shoulder. “What’s wrong, baby?” he whispers.

I turn and kiss his cheek. “Nothing, sweetie, go back to sleep. Bad dream.”

He pulls me closer. “It’s okay, I’m here. You’re safe with me.”

Tears well in my eyes. I wish you were safe with me.

Duke deserves better.

“Don’t forget, staff meeting in ten,” Lewis says, his head peeking around the door.

Damn it, I’m too busy for morale boosting crap this morning.

I fake a smile anyway. “Sure thing.”

I send my emails and print out my to do list for the day. I’m the newest lawyer at Sterling Law, and I like to keep on top of my workload. It was a huge win landing this job. I applied for it believing that I had no chance in hell of getting it, and I got the surprise of my life when I got the call.

I’ve been here ten months now and I’ve settled in nicely.

I moved from Manchester for the position. Got myself a nice apartment and a new car to go with my fancy new job. I feel all grown up, and I am loving life.

It’s funny how things turn out. I had every intention of returning to the states after I finished my degree. I’d made steps towards doing that. But when I went back to the states for a visit and began looking around for where I was going to resettle, nothing jumped out at me. I was more confused about what I wanted than ever.

I decided that I’d just stay here until the answer to where I’m supposed to be appeared.

I’m happy for the interim, and I never thought I would say this, but England is beginning to feel like home. I mean, I have been here for seven years now, so I guess it makes sense.

I make my way to the conference room and take a seat at the back, watching on as the large room begins to fill. Sterling Law is the biggest law firm in the United Kingdom. We have thirty-four lawyers, and they each have their own personal assistants and secretary’s. I don’t have a PA yet, but when I do, I’ll know that I’ve made it.

The room is full to capacity when Philip Rogers, the owner, comes into view. I haven’t seen him around lately. I think he’s been working a lot from our other office across the city. Philip is in his late fifties and a distinguished looking man with silver hair. His accent sounds all snooty like the Queen’s or something.

He walks to the front of the room and addresses the crowd. “Hello,” he says with a huge smile on his face. “Firstly, I would like to thank you for all of your hard work. Your efforts have not gone unnoticed, and I really appreciate it.”

Everybody smiles proudly. It really is nice to be acknowledged.

“I guess you’re all wondering why I’ve called this meeting this morning. Well…” He sits on the corner of the desk at the front of the room. “As a few of you know, my wife is unwell. She…” He pauses, as if the next sentence is hard. “She will make a full recovery, but I am stretched. Because of that, I have decided to do something that has been in the back of my mind for a long time now. I’m taking on a partner.”

The room falls deadly silent.

He stands and puts his hands into his suit pockets and begins to pace back and forth. “So, the next question is… who? Who will be the right fit for our firm? Who will take our company into the twentieth century with the same passion that we are all accustomed to? I have been looking a long time for the right person.”

He’s such a kind man. Whenever I hear him speak, I come away motivated.

“Bart McIntyre.”

The room releases a collective gasp.

What the fuck?

Philip holds his hands up in a comforting gesture, his smile widening. “Now, I know that Bart’s reputation precedes him, and I know that he doesn’t represent the kind of clients we are accustomed to.”

“Damn right about that,” someone mutters.

Bart McIntyre is a legal rock star. He represents high-end clients, models, celebrities, those kinds of people. He’s won every case he’s ever had and is legendary.

“Our normal workload will carry on, of course. However, we will now have an arm of our organization that will look after Bart’s high-end clients.”

Holy shit.

Excitement runs through me. This is going to be amazing.

Philip holds his hands out toward us in a welcoming gesture. “So, there you have it, and we’re wasting no time. Bart starts here in this office on Monday.”

The room breaks out into excited chatter.

“There will be a memo going out to you all this afternoon with all the details, but…” He smiles as he looks around the room. “This is exciting news for our business.” He claps his hands. “You can go back to ruling the world now.”

Everyone chatters as they stand and make their way back to their offices.

“April!” Philip calls. “Can I see you for a moment, please?”

Oh, shit, am I in trouble? “Sure.”

“Down to my office.” He gestures to the corridor, and I follow him down. “Please, take a seat,” he says once we step inside his room.

I sit down and nervously clutch my clipboard, oh no, what’s this about?

Philip sits down and leans back in his chair. “I wanted to offer you a new position.” His eyes hold mine. “How would you like to be Bart’s junior.”