19.When times get rocky, keep a routine.

20.Do not compare the worst bits of your life with the best bits of other people’s.

21.Value the things most that you’d miss the most if they weren’t there.

22.Don’t try to pin yourself down. Don’t try to understand, once and for all, who you are. As the philosopher Alan Watts said, ‘trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth’.

23.Go for a walk. Go for a run. Dance. Eat peanut butter on toast.

24.Don’t try to feel something you don’t feel. Don’t try to be something you can’t be. That energy will exhaust you.

25.Connecting with the world has nothing to do with wi-fi.

26.There is no future. Planning for the future is just planning for another present in which you will be planning for the future.

27.Breathe.

28.Love now. Love right now. If you have someone or something to love, do it this instant. Love fearlessly. As Dave Eggers wrote: ‘It is no way to live, to wait to love.’ Throw love out there selflessly.

29.Don’t feel guilty. It is almost impossible, unless you are a sociopath, not to feel some guilt these days. We are cluttered with guilt. There is the guilt we learned at childhood mealtimes, the guilt of eating while knowing there are starving people in the world. The guilt of privilege. The eco-guilt of driving a car or flying in a plane or using plastic. The guilt of buying stuff that may be unethical in some way we can’t quite see. The guilt of unspoken or unfaithful desires. The guilt of not being the things other people wanted you to be. The guilt of taking up space. The guilt of not being able to do things other people can do. The guilt of being ill. The guilt of living. It’s useless, this guilt. It doesn’t help anyone. Try to do good right now, without drowning in whatever bad you might once have done.

30.See yourself outside market forces. Don’t compete in the game. Resist the guilt of non-doing. Find the uncommodified space inside us. The true space. The human space. The space that could never be measured in terms of numbers or money or productivity. The space that the market economy can’t see.

31.Look at the sky. (It’s amazing. It’s always amazing.)

32.Spend some time with a non-human animal.

33.Be unashamedly boring. Boring can be healthy. When life gets tough, aim for those beige emotions.

34.Don’t value yourself in line with other people’s valuation of yourself. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’

35.The world can be sad. But remember a million unsung acts of kindness happened today. A million acts of love. Quiet human goodness lives on.

36.Don’t beat yourself up for being a mess. It’s fine. The universe is a mess. Galaxies are drifting all over the place. You’re just in tune with the cosmos.

37.If you’re feeling mentally unwell, treat yourself as you would any physical problem. Asthma, flu, whatever. Do what you need to do to get better. And have no shame about it. Don’t keep walking around on a broken leg.

38.It’s okay to cry. People cry. Women cry. And men cry. They have tear ducts and lachrymal glands just like other human beings. A man crying is no different from a woman crying. It’s natural. Social roles are toxic when they don’t allow an outlet for pain. Or sentimental emotion. Cry, human. Cry your heart out.

39.Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to doubt. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Allow yourself to change your mind. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Allow yourself to resist dynamism. Allow yourself not to shoot through life like an arrow speeding with purpose.

40.Try to want less. A want is a hole. A want is a lack. That is part of the definition. When the poet Byron wrote ‘I want a hero’ he meant that he didn’t have one. The act of wanting things we don’t need makes us feel a lack we didn’t have. Everything you need is here. A human being is complete just being human. We are our own destination.

Diminishing returns

PLANET EARTH IS unique. It is the only place we know of where life exists in the vast cosmic arena of the universe. It is an incredible place. On its own, it gives us everything humans need to survive.

And you are also incredible. Equally so. You were incredible from the day you were born. You were everything from the day you were born. No one looks at a newborn baby and thinks, oh dear, look at all that absence of stuff. They look at a baby and they feel like they are looking at perfection, untainted by the complexities and baggage of life yet to come.

We come complete. Give us some food and drink and shelter, sing us a song, tell us a story, give us people to talk to and care for and fall in love with and there you go. A life.

But somewhere along the way we have raised the threshold of what we need, or feel we need, to be happy.

We are encouraged to buy stuff to make ourselves happy because companies are encouraged to make more money to make themselves more successful. It is also addictive. It isn’t addictive because it makes us happy. It is addictive because it doesn’t make us happy. We buy something and we enjoy it – we enjoy the newness of it – for a little while but then we get used to having it, we acclimatise, and so we need something else. We need to feel that sense of change, of variety. Something newer, something better, something upgraded. And the same thing happens again.

And over time we get used to more and more stuff.

And this applies to everything.

The Instagrammer who enjoys getting a lot of likes for their selfie will soon seek more likes, and be disappointed if the number stays the same. The grade A student will come to feel like a failure if they get a single B. The entrepreneur who becomes rich will seek to earn more money. The gym-goer who likes their new sculpted body will want to train harder, and harder. The worker who gets the promotion they wanted will soon want another one. With every achievement, acquisition or purchase the bar is raised.

I once thought I’d be happy for ever if I got articles published. Then a book published. Then if I could get another book published. Then if a book became a bestseller. And then if another one could. Then if it became a number one bestseller. Then if the film rights were sold. And so on. And I did, like lots of people, get happy, fleetingly, at each career goal I set myself, but my mind quickly got used to the previous achievement and found a new goal. So, the more I got, the more I needed to get in order to stay level.

The more ‘success’ you get, the easier it is to be disappointed by not getting things. The only difference is that now no one feels sorry for you.

No matter what we buy or achieve, the feelings don’t last. A sports champion always wants another win. The millionaire always wants another million. The spotlighthungry star wants more fame. Just as the alcoholic wants another drink and the gambler wants another bet.

But there are always going to be diminishing returns.

The child with a hundred toys is going to play with each new one less and less.

And think about it. If you could afford a holiday ten times more expensive than your last holiday, would you feel ten times more relaxed? I doubt it. If you could spend ten times longer looking at your Twitter feed, would you be ten times more informed? Of course not. If you spent twice as long at work would you get twice as much done? Research suggests you wouldn’t. If you could buy a car ten times more expensive than your current one would it get you from A to B ten times quicker? Nope. If you bought more anti-ageing creams would you age less with each extra purchase? Also nope.

You are conditioned to want more. Often this conditioning comes from companies who themselves are conditioned, collectively, to want more. Wanting more is the default setting.

But just as there is only one planet – a planet with finite resources – there is also only one you. And you also have a finite resource – time. And, let’s face it, you can’t multiply yourself. An overloaded planet cajoles us into overloaded lives but, ultimately, you can’t play with all the toys. You can’t use all the apps. You can’t be at all the parties. You can’t do the work of 20 people. You can’t be up to speed on all the news. You can’t wear all eleven of your coats at once. You can’t watch every must-see show. You can’t live in two places at once. You can buy more, you can acquire more, you can work more, you can earn more, you can strive more, you can tweet more, you can watch more, you can want more, but as each new buzz diminishes there comes a point where you have to ask yourself: what is all this for?

How much extra happiness am I acquiring? Why am I wanting so much more than I need?

Wouldn’t I be happier learning to appreciate what I already have?