Chapter One

Landon

ELLEN’S BIRTHDAY CAKE is in my arms, ready to carry downstairs. Nora is standing next to the door, waving goodbye to Posey and Lila. I watch Nora as she pushes her pizza-patterned socks into a pair of plain white sneakers.

“You ready?” I set the cake down on the red entry table, and she nods.

She’s been quiet since our exchange in the bathroom, and I don’t know how to start a conversation with her now. I agreed that I wouldn’t try to fix her, that I wouldn’t push to know her secrets or help her carry her baggage. She’s warned me over and over that she’s not good for me, that she can’t be what I need her to be.

How can that be, when I have no idea what it is that I need?

All I know is that I enjoy her company and I want to get to know her. I’m okay with taking it slow; the best presents usually take the longest to unwrap.

Picking up the cake, I lead us to the elevator in silence and press the call button. The swoosh of the elevator climbing floors is the only noise in the quiet hallway.

When we step inside, Nora moves to the farthest side of the small car.

I allow her space and try not to look at her while she looks at me. I can feel her eyes on me, but I can tell she’s tapped out on talking today.

My arms feel empty despite the cake in them, like they’re missing something. Nora, maybe? Each second with her, I feel like I’m losing control of my own body.

Nora touches her fingers to the end of her braid, and my eyes meet hers. The elevator hasn’t moved since we stepped in. I couldn’t even guess how long we’ve been standing in here; it feels like minutes, but it’s possible that only a few seconds have passed.

Her eyes stay on mine, studying me, trying to unlock something.

I’m not the one with secrets,I want to say to her.

I think of Dakota and our time together last night. I think of how embarrassed and guilty I felt when I couldn’t . . . perform. I think about the way I felt when I found the bathroom empty, my ex having left via the fire escape. It’s only been one night, and here I am with Nora, wanting to be close to her.

I guess I have secrets, too.

“Is it broken?” Nora asks, and I have a moment of panic when I think she’s talking about my cock.

When I realize she’s talking about the elevator, I want to laugh.

“I don’t know.” I press the button for the ground floor again. In response, the elevator dings and the door opens and closes. The car begins to move, and I shrug my shoulders. Had I forgotten to press the button? I don’t know.

When we reach the bottom floor, I wait for Nora to step out of the elevator first. Her elbow touches my arm, and I step away to give her space. My skin feels warm, and I wish for a moment I could live in a different reality. A dimension where Nora is mine to touch, mine to hold. In that world, Nora would trust me and share parts of herself that no one else can see. She could laugh without hesitation, and she wouldn’t try to hide.

With each silent step through my apartment building, that perfect imaginary world fades.

“I didn’t get Ellen another gift,” I remember out loud.

Nora turns around and slows down until I’m next to her. “I’m sure this homemade cake and your time are gift enough.” She takes a breath. “I would love such a gift.” Then she continues to walk.