Jen’s face was already wet with tears, and Sebastian’s eyes were round and solemn. Octavia was asleep on Darius’s shoulder. Donna and Bill held hands, Donna’s eyes red-rimmed. Sarah and Radley stood together. Asmaa stood next to Bruce, her arm through his. Ben had his arm around Sumi. Everyone watched in silence.

Josh knelt in front of the table and lit the incense—ironic, since Lauren hated incense. Don’t let that keep you away, he thought, almost smiling. Then Jen handed him a cup of rice wine, which he circled over the table. He’d spent all week studying the ceremony notes Ben gave him, but if he got some wrong, he was sure Lauren would forgive him. He poured a little wine into the sand three times, then laid a pair of chopsticks across the rice bowl.

He turned to Donna and bowed to her, the mother, and then repeated the gesture to Jen, honoring her family. Tears were on everyone’s cheeks now, and all was quiet except for the sound of sniffling.

Josh stood and faced the photo of his wife, his heart gripped in a vise. “Lauren Rose Carlisle Park,” he said, his voice surprisingly steady, “I call your name as the year changes, and the day on which you died has come. I will love you forever and will never forget your love, as big and wide as the heavens. In your honor, I humbly offer you this meal.” Then he knelt in front of the table, looking at her picture for a minute, then bowed so his forehead touched the cool floor.

He stayed there a minute, tears flooding his eyes. So much love, so much sorrow. I miss you, he thought. Please be safe. Please be happy.

When he rose, his mother handed him a tissue and gave him a nod of approval, squeezing his arm.

“Thank you all for coming,” he said, his voice breaking, and then Jen was hugging him, and his mother, and Donna and Sarah and Darius, Sebastian wrapping his little arms around Josh’s legs, everyone, everyone gathered around him and held him in their love . . . not just for Lauren, but love for him.

“We love you, Josh,” Jen said fiercely.

“We do, brother,” Darius said.

“I love you, Uncle Josh.”

“I love you, son.” I love you. We love you. We love you.

He started to cry then, and surrendered to it, sobbing in the embrace of their love. They weren’t just here for Lauren. They were here for him.

“We do get to eat,” he said finally, and everyone laughed.

“Good. I’m starving,” Jen said, squeezing him harder before releasing him.

He knew there was a proper way to serve the food and such, but he was done with the formality. This was enough. His guests helped themselves, his mother and Sumi handing out forks and plates and chopsticks. Donna poured wine and Darius opened beers. Josh went to the window and looked out, the cold air feeling good against his skin.

Sarah came and took his hand. “She would be so proud of you,” she whispered. “She always was. You did it, Josh. You made it through the first year.”

He nodded, and then he hugged her. “Thank you for sticking by me,” he said.

She nodded, took a shaky inhale, then let go.

“How was your date?” he asked.

“It was as bad as you guys predicted,” she said, wiping her eyes. “One of his icebreaker questions was ‘If you were going to kill me, how would you do it?’”

He laughed. “Wow.”

“Another one bites the dust,” she said. “Hey, would it be okay if I put on some music? Some of Lauren’s favorites?”

“That would be great,” he said. She went over to the iPad and started clicking away.

Ben appeared next to him. “You did great, son,” the older man said. “She was . . . she was a special girl.” There were tears in his eyes.

Josh hugged him. “Thank you, Ben. For being my father. For helping me.”

“It’s an honor.”

Josh patted Ben’s shoulder. “Go get some food.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

It was good to have a little distance from the throng, but he was so, so glad they were all here. A year ago, and for the two years previous, he had only thought of them as Lauren’s.

This past year, they had become his as well, some more than others, but all of them taking him into their hearts.

He was lucky. They had walked with him through this long, lonely year. He was damn lucky, not just to have been Lauren’s husband, but to have all of these people as well.

Then he saw a movement in the far corner of the living room, and his heart jolted. For just one second, he saw his wife, wearing the long pink dress she’d worn so often that Cape Cod summer. Her hair was loose, and she wasn’t wearing her cannula. She was watching Sebastian and Octavia, who were playing on the couch, a faint smile on her lips.

Then she turned to him and smiled in full, that smile that just staggered him. Her brown eyes sparkled with laughter, as they had so often. For that one second, he saw once again all the love she had for him, all the joy.

He didn’t look away. He didn’t even breathe, hoping the moment would last forever. Then his eyes swam with tears, and when he blinked, she was gone.

32

Joshua

Month thirteen

March

HE DID NOT read the letter Sarah left in March.

Instead, he emailed Alex at Chiron Medical Enterprises and asked when would be a good time to visit. Then he called Cookie, who booked him a flight, and he flew to Singapore a week later.

At the Chiron headquarters, he told Alex and Naomi his terms. He’d take the job but would need to be based in Rhode Island, though he’d spend two weeks out of six in Singapore. Way to rack up those frequent-flier miles. They said yes immediately.