“No. He’s not moving. He’s not waking up. He . . . he’s . . . I can’t let the boys see this.”

“Is he breathing or making any sounds?”

I shake my head as I hear her words but can’t respond. This can’t be real. This is just a fucking dream. There’s no way this is real. Wake up, Presley . I shake my head, but nothing changes.

“Presley, are you there?”

“He’s not breathing. He has no pulse,” I say as the fear sharpens every nerve in my body. I’m breaking apart as the words spill from my mouth.

She talks as I fall back on my heels. “Take a few deep breaths. Can you have your children open the door for the police?”

“No.” I have to protect them. He’s dead. My husband of thirteen years just took his own life. “They can’t see this. I can never let them see him like this.”

Why would he do this? How am I going to tell them? How? I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.

“All right, Presley, I need you to open the front door. The officers are almost there.”

“My boys. I-I have to . . .”

“Go to the front door, shield the boys as much as you can. They’ll be there in less than three minutes. Can you do that?”

Can I do anything?

Can I move?

Tears fall as I release my arms. “Why, Todd?” I whisper. A sob erupts from my chest as I stand there unable to move. “Why?”

“Are you still there?” Donna asks.

“I’m here. I can’t breathe. They can’t see him like this. He’s just . . .”

“I know, Presley. Take a deep breath, help is almost there. Can you go downstairs and bring them to a neighbor?”

I fall to the ground. My knees hit the unforgiving floor, but it’s nothing compared to the pain in my chest. I sit, unmoving, as my life falls apart. I have to think of those precious boys whose lives are about to be altered. The only thing I can do is be certain they’re protected. I wipe my face and try to pull myself together as much as I can.

“I’m heading there now.”

“Okay, I’ll remain on the phone with you until the officer arrives if you’d like.”

Right now, Donna is the only person that knows. If I disconnect the call, then this is it. It’s irrational and ridiculous, but once this call disconnects . . . it’s all real. “Please. I can’t do this alone.”

“Of course. I’m right here. You’re not alone, Presley.”

I manage to lift myself off the floor. My feet somehow move forward. I head to the living room, and Logan looks up.

“Mom?” He stands.

“I need you boys to go out the back and knock on Mrs. Malgieri’s door. Play with Ryan until I come get you,” I instruct on autopilot. My eyes close as I fold my arm around my torso.

Logan rushes over. He’s always been my more sensitive soul. This is going to crush him. “What’s wrong?”

I place my hand against his cheek as a tear falls. “You and Cayden go, and I’ll be there in a bit.” My voice cracks as the pain rips through me. My boys. My sweet, innocent, and loving boys will never be the same. Cayden’s eyes well as I’m sure he hears the pain in my words.

“You’re doing great, Presley,” Donna encourages. “They’re one minute out.”

“You’re scaring me, Mom.” He looks at me with his big, green eyes.

“I need to handle something and you don’t need to be here.” I fight back the sob building inside me, knowing that my children are about to be destroyed.

Logan’s arms encircle my middle, and Cayden pulls him back. “Is it Dad?” he asks.

“Go! Now!” I’m no longer able to maintain my composure. I just need them to go. I know I’ve scared them, and I can see they’re freaking out inside, but I can’t catch my breath. “I’m sorry. I need you both to get up right now and go over to Ryan’s house.”

“Come on, Logan, let’s go.” Cayden has always been more perceptive. He reads between the lines and can often see things that most kids his age can’t.

There’s no fooling them. My face must be red and my eyes swollen from crying. Cayden stares at me as my chin quivers. “We’re going to be okay.”

“Mom?” Logan asks as I can no longer hold back the tears.

A tear falls from Cayden’s face as I pull them into my arms. “I love you.”

I stare at them, praying I can find a way to make this okay. Reluctantly they release me and head out the back door. I watch them go and cry. I cry for them. For me. And for how much pain this is going to cause them.

When they disappear from my view, I walk to the front door and open it. The police car approaches, lights blazing, and the hollowness swallows me.

“P RESLEY!” ANGIE CALLS OUT AS she enters the house. I’m sitting on the couch where I’ve been for the last forty minutes. The police called Angie and asked her to come before they had even finished taking my statement. I went over everything I knew, and they handed me tissues as I struggled with my agony. The paramedics are upstairs taking care of the body.

She rushes forward. “Ang?” I stare at her, watching the fear in her eyes. My heart breaks knowing I’m about to tear her world apart.

“Is it the boys?”

I shake my head.

“No!” She sinks next to me as I pull her into my arms. “Oh, God,” Angie cries and we cling to each other.

I lean back as she wipes her eyes. “I don’t . . . I don’t know how to tell you this.” It’s so much worse.

“Tell me what?”

“He . . . he . . . he hung himself.” My chest heaves as I say the words aloud.

“No, no, no, no,” she says over and over. “Why? How? No! He would never! You’re lying!”

“He did.”

Her eyes fill with confusion. “No. You’re wrong!” Angie stands and moves around. “Not Todd. He loves you. He loves those boys more than anything. I don’t believe you. He wouldn’t do this!”

I don’t really believe it either. “I wish I was lying. I wish this was a bad dream, but it’s not. He . . . he . . .” My breaths come in small bursts as I struggle to inhale. This is too much. “I saw him h-h-hanging f-from the bathroom beam!” I scream and sob hysterically. “I’m not lying! I’m . . . I’m . . .”

The officer that sits beside me grips my shoulders and instructs me to inhale slowly. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. I repeat this process until I’m not on the verge of a panic attack.

Angie cries with me, letting out her own sounds of devastation. We clutch each other and mourn the loss of a man we love.

Twenty minutes later, just as Angie and I have settle together and calmed into quiet weeping, the paramedics appear on the staircase. A black bag lies on the gurney, holding the man I planned to grow old with, the father of my children, and all the hopes of the life I’d imagined. No more dinners. No more kisses. No more laughs can be shared between us. Because he decided he couldn’t. And I don’t even know why.

We have a beautiful home, stable jobs, smart and healthy kids. I’m so confused. I keep waiting for Todd to walk down the stairs and tell me it’s all going to be okay.