“Wasn’t talking about your clothes. You look like hell. Have you slept lately?”

I hadn’t, because the world was out to get me. In the last few days, I’d met Summer at my brother’s grave where I’d gotten a lecture. Then I’d flipped on the news to be slapped in the face by a story about the upcoming early release of Natalia’s asshole ex-husband, and finally, this afternoon I went to throw on some jeans that were back from the laundry and found a lacy red G-string of Natalia’s in the laundry bag.

I’d forgotten I’d found it under the bed when I double-checked the sublet before I left. I’d stuffed it into my suitcase while I was packing and then scooped the contents of my suitcase into a laundry bag when I returned home. The panty find had brought me a momentary rush of excitement, until I realized I’d washed them and could no longer smell her, no matter how hard I tried.

“Just busy at work,” I lied.

Derek shook his head. “So full of shit. Whatever. You can try to fool everyone around you, but you can’t fool yourself, jackass. I’m going to get changed.”

While he was changing, Anna came in the front door with the baby. She held her finger to her lips, motioning for me to keep quiet as she tiptoed past with the baby sleeping in her arms. She disappeared into Caroline’s room and came out with a monitor a minute later.

“Sorry. She was a little fussy, so I took her for a walk and just got her to go down for a nap. I didn’t want to wake her.”

“How’s my little peanut doing?”

Anna’s face lit up. “She’s pretty awesome, if I say so myself.”

She walked to the chair and sat across from me. “You want kids someday, Hunter?”

That was a question I always hated to answer. Wanting kids and being able to have them were two different things. So while the answer was that I’d love to have a little rugrat one day, I answered with the half-truth that had become second nature to me.

“Don’t think kids are in my future.”

“How come?”

Shit. Though I’d known Anna for years now, she’d always been my friend’s girl. A red box on the checkers board, when I was black. I hopped over and around her, but never landed there. We didn’t have these types of conversations. Obviously she had a reason to take an interest in me as something besides her husband’s buddy now, and that interest unnerved me. I looked over my shoulder, hoping to see Derek coming down the hall to interrupt. No such luck.

“Some people are just meant to be cool uncles, not dads.”

Most people took the hint at my vagueness. Not Anna.

She squinted at me. “Are you always this dodgy when asked questions? I don’t think I’ve paid close enough attention before now.”

My hand automatically went for my tie to loosen it, only I didn’t have one on. Before I could figure out how to respond to her non-question, she fired again. “You were great with Izzy. Maybe you shouldn’t sell yourself short.”

“Izzy’s a great kid.”

Anna studied me the way a detective examines a suspect. She was zoned in, ready for any telltale sign my face would give.

“Nat’s done an amazing job with her,” she said.

I looked away under her scrutiny, but she likely saw me flinch at the mention of Natalia’s name. “She has.”

Anna waited until I met her eyes. I always used the same damn move on Nat when she tried to avoid me.

“Too bad her father is going to be back in the picture soon. They’re releasing him next week—a month early due to overcrowding. I’m sure that will require readjustment for Izzy.”

I nodded.

But she didn’t stop goading me. “And Nat. I’m sure he’ll try to use Izzy to creep back into Nat’s life as much as possible.”

It was impossible to remain steady after that comment. Even if I’d kept quiet, I knew my face screamed that I wanted to strangle someone.

“Natalia’s smarter than that.”

Anna went in for the kill. “She is…but she’s in a vulnerable place right now.”

Luckily, Derek finally finished getting dressed. Anxious to get the hell out of here, I abruptly stood. “About time. We’re going to be late. They only had an hour of court time available.”

Derek looked at his watch. “We have plenty of time.”

Jackass.

Ignoring him, I leaned down to brush my lips on Anna’s cheek. “It was nice to see you, Anna.”

She made a face that said bullshit and stood.

Derek snapped his fingers. “I forgot my racquet. Be right back.” My soon-to-be ex-friend disappeared again, leaving Anna and me facing each other. After a silent exchange, she reached out and squeezed my arm.

“She’s in love with you,” she said softly. “But Garrett is a charmer….”

I closed my eyes.

“You ready?” Derek yelled as he emerged from the hall once again.

“Yeah.” I locked eyes with Anna. “Have a good night.”

Chapter 36

Hunter

I couldn’t sleep.

The unsettled and jittery feeling inside my gut wouldn’t go away. In the seven years since Jayce had died, I’d never once debated my decision not to get tested. I knew what knowing, what waiting for it to happen, had done to my brother. And in case I’d softened, if I’d forgotten a single moment of the agony he’d suffered, I sat up in bed and opened my nightstand to relive every last painful reminder. Slipping the letter that was always with me from my drawer, I flipped on the bedside lamp. It was long past time for a re-read.

Hunter,

This morning it took me three tries to get cereal to my mouth. My hand shook so bad that each time it reached my lips, there was nothing left on the spoon. But on the third try, I managed to keep a little on—only to nearly choke to death because the muscles in my throat can barely manage to swallow anymore.

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

I don’t have much left other than my dignity. I need to take it with me and not leave it behind with my bed-wetting and need for spoon-feeding like an infant. This will hurt you, but I know you will also understand why I needed to do it.

My last prayer said on this Earth will be that you are spared.

In case you are not, I don’t have much advice to give, other than to tell you things I wish I could’ve changed. I wish Emily would never have known about my diagnosis. I blame myself for her miscarriage because of how upset she was for so long. Then I pushed her away by telling her I hadn’t ever really loved her. But I did. I just couldn’t put her through the years I was about to face. Sometimes when you love someone, you have to let them go for their own good.

Live life, little bro. Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis like I did. Time flies whether you’re enjoying life or not. The choice is yours.

Forgive me and move on.

Love, Jayce

I read that damn note a half a dozen times. Normally when I did that, I focused on his pain—I’d needed to justify what my brother had done over and over in my mind to accept it was for the best. But this time, I was stuck reading one passage over and over.

Live life, little bro. Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis like I did. Time flies whether you’re enjoying life or not. The choice is yours.

I’d always interpreted don’t dwell on your diagnosis like I did to validate my decision not to get tested. What was the point of knowing, when there would be nothing I could do to prevent the onset of the disease? Why live life waiting for a death sentence to begin, when I could move on instead?

Only…

For the first time in my life, I pondered whether I was even living. Sure, I had relationships—sexual relationships—a job I loved, and a few close friends. That had always been enough. But was I moving on and living my life or was I just existing and waiting for a fucking symptom to occur anyway? I hadn’t wanted to know so I could choose to live every day like it was my last and not have that life chosen for me. Yet if I could choose how to spend my last day here on Earth, I’d want to be with Natalia. So was I really accomplishing what I’d set out to do?

I reread the end of the letter again.

Live life, little bro. Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis like I did. Time flies whether you’re enjoying life or not. The choice is yours.

I’d equated not dwelling on my diagnosis with not finding out. I’d thought not knowing had been what kept me from planting roots all these years. But suddenly, I realized roots had already been planted, and a strong vine had grown and wrapped around my heart. It wasn’t the uncertainty of my health that had kept me blowing in the wind, it was that I hadn’t found the one who made me want to weather a storm, allowing those roots to burrow in deeper.

Natalia was the one. I’d loved Summer. She was my first love. But she hadn’t been the one. Maybe we were too young. Maybe I’d always thought of her as my first love because deep down I’d known she wasn’t my last.

Natalia—she’s my one.

I fell in love long before I was willing to accept what it was.