I just didn’t understand the question.

“I don’t understand what you’re asking me, West,” I whispered.

“Lotta women, lotta people, Toots, see what’s goin’ on out there and judge. My people like to have a good time and they like to spend their time with people who like to have a good time. No hang-ups. No judgments. Booze, and a lot of it. Food, and they don’t count calories. Shots. Grass. Shouting. Laughin’ hard. Fightin’ when they get drunk and stupid. And fuckin’ anything that presses up against them. You got a problem with that?”

I did if he was the one that was doing the last and it wasn’t me pressed up against him, but being a full-fledged biker babe now, I knew I couldn’t tell him that.

I actually couldn’t even think of it, because I was still not at one with it.

So I was ignoring it.

Instead, I said, “I might have missed it, but I didn’t see a van filled with bound and gagged groupies who were then forced to smoke pot and drink vodka straight from the bottle. But I was pretty into my cheeseburger, seeing as it was tasty. Did I miss that while I was eating my burger?”

He stared at me a second before his lips twitched and he said, “No.”

“Then no, I don’t have a problem with it.”

He studied me again while his hand came up and tucked hair behind my ear, moving to my jaw where his thumb came out and swept my lower lip.

And then he said, “I don’t wanna do this.”

I blinked at the change in his voice.

That change didn’t bode good tidings.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Hand you somethin’, straight up, that might make you stop lookin’ at me like you’re lookin’ at me right now.”

I felt my body tense.

“Buck—”

“But you want it.”

I wanted it?

Wanted what?

“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” I told him.

“I see it.”

“See what?”

“You lookin’ at the pictures in my bedroom, Toots, I see it.”

What?

I pushed up to an elbow in the bed, but kept looking down at him, and his hand dropped from my face.

“Buck, you aren’t making any sense.”

He ignored me.

“You’re just not askin’ for it, because you know, I give it to you, it might fuck what we have, you and me.”

Oh God.

Somehow the evening had taken a drastic turn.

I didn’t want to turn with it.

I really didn’t.

But I loved this man, I wanted a future with him.

So I had to.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

He kept talking like I didn’t speak.

“But I’m gonna give it to you, Toots. Give it to you, but remind you, this is where you are, and this is where you’re gonna be. No matter what.”

Oh God.

I was not a huge fan of when he talked like that.

“Buck—”

He cut me off.

And gave it to me.

“My father’s in prison. Has been, in and out, for decades. Lotsa shit, most of it no big deal, stretches were not long. But it kept happening, which meant he had a record, a long one. So, when the Club got in a situation where the other guys didn’t come out of it too good, he was sent up for a stretch, and now he probably won’t ever again see freedom.”

My body went solid and I felt my eyes grow wide.

“What?” I whispered.

“I go visit him. Even when you’ve been with me. I just don’t tell you where I’m goin’.”

Oh God.

“Loved him,” he stated. “Still do. Good man, great fuckin’ dad. Taught me everything I needed to know. Led me to me. He was Aces. And that was because his dad was Aces. Granddad was one of the founding members. I grew up in the life, never knew a time when I ever questioned the life was for me. I had a dirt bike when I was twelve. Got my first Harley at seventeen. Big family, with the Club, Mom, my sisters, brother, it was good. Knew where I was goin’. Never had a time when I didn’t know who I was gonna be.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Then Dad went down. War between MCs. Stupid-ass shit, but it happens. Happened more back in the day, but still happens. Dad took a hit for the Club. Not sayin’ he didn’t do what he had to do to protect his Club, just sayin’ he didn’t do what he went down for. But that’s what you do. You take your hit if you need to protect the Club. The family splintered. Not the Club. My family. My brother lost it. Didn’t get why Dad went down for his brothers. Took off. Lives in Utah now. Found God. Used to hear from him, he’d spew shit about Dad, Mom, my sisters, our lives, how much he thinks we suck, Dad and Mom suck forcing him to live that life. How we’re sinners. Goin’ to hell. Shit like that. Don’t hear from him anymore and like it that way. He’s a dick.”

He sounded like it.

I didn’t share I felt that way because Buck kept going.

“I took off. Dad and I were tight, and I couldn’t be where I was when everywhere I turned, I remembered how much better it was when he was free. Went to Flag. That was when I met Kristy.”

He stopped speaking.

So I said encouragingly, “Okay.”

And he started again.

“Fell in love with her. We were ready to start a family right away. Knew the only way to do that was to come home. Home here, Phoenix. Also home to the Club. Came back from Flag. Tied myself to Kristy. Built my life here. Liked it. One of my sisters, she got in the life, but a different one. Has a man who’s a brother in a Club up in Denver. Good Club. Called Chaos. My other sister…”

He shook his head.

I waited.

It took a bit, but he started again.

“Both of my sisters were tight with Dad too. Neither really survived the splinter. But only one of them took Mom down with them.”

Oh no.

This did not sound good.

He stopped again, so I prompted, “She took your mom down with her?”

He nodded, but he only nodded once.

“I’d barely left when she went off the rails. Why I can be tough on Tatie?”

He asked this last as a question, and even if I didn’t quite understand it, I said, “Yes?”

“That was how Meg was. ’Cept a lot worse. Booze. Pot. Harder shit. For Meg, life was just a good time. And for the most part, I agree. It is. But that doesn’t mean you don’t gotta do what you can to get by the best you can for yourself, your family.”

I agreed with this, so when Buck went silent again, I nodded.

And he kept talking.

“For her, it was just finding good time after good time. Brought that shit home to Mom. Fucked it on the couch while Mom was upstairs. They fought. Mom’s shit got stolen, hocked. Mom’d kick her ass out, my sister would break in, take more shit, crash in the bathroom, puke all over the kitchen. Get lit. And that was it. One time she broke in, got lit. Drunk, high, lost, whatever she was doin’, caught the house on fire. She was so out of it, she went up with the flames. Smoke got Mom before she went up in them too.”

“Oh my God,” I whispered, horrified at what he was telling me.

Horrified and hurting for him at these terrible, awful, heartbreaking things he was sharing with me.