Pei laughed shortly, her cheeks pale green. ‘I guess that’s good enough.’ She crossed her arms over her chest and gathered her thoughts. ‘How much do you know about the whole thing my species has about relationships like that?’

‘Nothing, really, other than it’s a common taboo.’

‘Okay. The rationale goes that the more time you spend around other species, the more their cultures start to influence you. This is generally seen as a good thing. Most of us would encourage this. But if you extend that influence to a romantic relationship, the thinking goes that there’s a danger of you abandoning the Aeluon way of doing things in that regard, which—’

‘Which means if you start to shimmer, you might not act on it.’

‘That’s the gist, yes.’

‘And … sorry, but what’s the problem with not acting on it?’

‘We don’t reproduce easily, and we only get a chance or two, at most. Not acting on your shimmer is a wasted opportunity. No, it’s worse than that. You’re letting everybody down, kind of.’ Pei struggled to articulate her point. She’d never had to explain this in words before, and she wasn’t getting the nuance right. ‘You’ve failed, if you let your shimmer go. You’ve failed the species.’

Speaker thought about this. ‘Is this because of the bottleneck? Your near extinction?’

‘I honestly don’t know. Probably, now that I’m thinking about it. It’s just baked in, at this point. We take it for granted.’

‘Well, if that is the rationale, why would concerns over population growth apply anymore? You’re one of the most well-established species in the GC. You’re everywhere.’

‘Yeah, but that’s not the point. The point is, this idea’s been around for a long, long time, and it’s … it’s calcified. Doesn’t matter that there are billions of us on dozens of different worlds. Interspecies relationships are just not done. At least, not by most.’

‘I was going to say, I met two Aeluons once in Reskit who were part of a feather family. You’re definitely not alone in this.’

‘No, but those people are on the fringes, and I … am not. It would not go well for me, if the people I work with found out.’

Speaker squinted at her. ‘But you said your feelings about your shimmer have nothing to do with … sorry, what’s his name?’

‘Ashby. And see, that’s exactly the thing I don’t fucking understand, because he’s not the problem at all. Humans tend to get all their wires crossed in this arena, but he and I talked about shimmering when it first became obvious this was an arrangement we wanted to continue. He understands the difference between social sex and reproductive sex – he really does. His pilot’s Aandrisk, and they’re close, so he already had an introduction to the concept. It’s not the same, of course, but—’

‘He has an open mind. And a willingness to accommodate cultural norms beyond his own.’

‘Yes.’

‘So this isn’t about you not wanting to couple with someone other than him.’

‘No. Not at all. And that’s what’s so infuriating, because I know it’s only a matter of time before people – my people, I mean – find out about him and me. I know it. It’s gone on for too long, and I don’t want to lose him, so being open about it is the only other option. So if I don’t go to a creche but I do go to my Human partner, then … well, then it doesn’t matter why I let my shimmer go – I’ve become exactly the cautionary tale all of this bullshit is based around, even though Ashby wouldn’t be my reason for it at all.’

‘Then what is your reason?’

‘I don’t know.’ Pei rubbed her face in frustration. ‘There is no reason why I don’t want to do this. I’m healthy. I’m clearly capable. Everybody I know who’s ever gone to a creche comes back saying it’s a fantastic time. I’d have tendays to just lie around and have sex and be catered to. I like kids. I like being around kids. I imagine visiting my own would be nice. I have a partner who understands, and friends who would be thrilled, and … there’s no reason not to.’

Speaker looked at her for a moment. ‘Of course there is,’ she said. ‘You don’t want to.’

‘That’s not a reason. That’s a feeling. Feelings have to have reason.’

‘Since when?’

‘All feelings stem from something. Even if you can’t see it right away, there’s always something way down there at the root causing it to happen. Like fish. I’m terrified of the fish we get back on Sohep Frie. Just seeing vids of them makes me twitch. I’ve been that way my whole life, and I never thought there was any reason for it, until one time, a few standards ago, I was visiting my fathers, and somehow me being scared of fish came up. And my father Gilen, he thinks this is … oh, there’s not a word for this colour arrangement in Klip. Sad-funny, I guess. Sorry, it’s hard thinking back on a colour conversation and having to translate it into sound.’

‘I imagine it would be.’

‘Anyway, he says that one of my older siblings once told me that the schools of shiver fish we’d see on beach trips would eat me. It apparently took my fathers forever to get me to go swimming again after that. I have no memory of this, at all, but I guess it stuck. It’s the same principle with this. Somewhere in me, there is a reason why I don’t want to do this. I just haven’t figured it out yet.’