Stubble brushes my cheek, Ethan’s lips at my ear. “I’m so sorry.”

I push on his chest, desperate to hold on and escape at the same time. “I’ll be back in a bit. Jeannie can message if she thinks of anything else she needs.”

I rush across the lot, hands shaking as I start the car and pull out onto the street. I drive around the corner before I pull over and put my face in my hands. “Why? Why, why, why?” I give myself one song on the radio to break down. I need to keep it together for Jeannie. When it ends, I wipe my eyes on my sleeve, find a tissue in the bottom of my purse to blow my nose with, take the hazards off, signal, and pull back onto the road.

The route to Jeannie and Martin’s house is one I could almost drive in my sleep. When my almost ex-husband, Avery, and I couldn’t work things out and the fighting became unbearable, I opted to stay with Jeannie and Martin. I could’ve stayed with my sister Carmen, but she’s not the neatest person. I would’ve driven her nuts with my cleaning.

I pull into the Kases’ driveway beside a fancy pickup filled with boxes. It must be Ethan’s. As always, the door is unlocked. I step inside and inhale the scent of cinnamon and apples. Before I go upstairs to pack a bag for Jeannie, I head to the basement. Occasionally, Ethan and I used to sneak down here during one of our lunch breaks when his older brother Tyler was away at college. If Jeannie came home while we were in the middle of something we didn’t want her seeing, we’d climb out the basement window undetected.

The basement has been redecorated—sort of. All of Ethan’s trophies from high school line one wall, along with the team pictures for each year—his parents’ shrine to their unexpected miracle. Their Ethan. My Ethan. At least he was then.

I stop in the doorway of the wood-paneled bedroom. Ethan’s hockey quilt covers the double bed and more of his high school memorabilia litters the room, including a picture of us at his senior prom. I’d spent so much time as a teenager sprawled across that comforter, trying to make Ethan study for tests. He was easily distractible back then. I grab his duffel from the bed and turn off the light before I head back upstairs. Getting lost in the past isn’t a constructive use of my time.

I find Jeannie’s yoga pants, a sweatshirt, her toiletries, and an extra change of clothes. I throw in a pair of pajamas for Martin, as well as his toiletries.

Before I make the trip back to the hospital, I stop in the kitchen and throw a few snacks in the bag, along with some bottled water. The pie sits on the counter. It looks like it had just gone in the oven before they left. I might be able to take it home and save it. Apple pie for breakfast would make for a nice surprise for them tomorrow morning.

I’m grateful that Jeannie is in the room with Ethan when I return to the hospital. I don’t want to be alone with him. Maybe he wants to apologize to alleviate his conscience. I have no idea. What I do know is a conversation or an apology isn’t going to change anything.

He can never unbreak my heart.

chapter three

ENDS AND BEGINNINGS

Ethan

Ethan?” My mother puts her hand on my arm after DJ dropped off our bags and bolted from Dad’s room. “Are you okay?”

Isn’t that the question of the week? I glance at my mother, wondering how much better she knows DJ than I do, everything she’s seen in the past eight years that I missed. “She’s stayed close with you and Dad, hasn’t she?”

“We were always her family, and aside from her sister Carmen, everyone else moved away.” She sounds apologetic.

“I’m glad that didn’t change.” I run my hands down my thighs. My jeans are still damp from running into the lake to pull my dad’s boat in to shore. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to erase the memory of finding him like that, disoriented and afraid, my own panic merging with his. And on top of what’s happening with my dad, now I have to face the woman I left behind. “She’s still very angry with me.”

“She has a lot going on, Ethan. Give her some time. This is hard on her, too.” She roots around in her overnight bag and finds the blanket from the living room couch, shaking it out.

“She said I abandoned her.” My mom pauses to look at me, deep sadness making her eyes glassy. “I think she’s right. That’s not what I meant to do, but that’s exactly what happened, wasn’t it?”

“You did what you thought was best.”

“I did what Dad thought was best.” I close my eyes and let my head drop against the back of the chair. “Sorry. This isn’t a good time to talk about this. I just didn’t expect to see DJ, or for any of this to happen.” I gesture toward my father.

She sighs. “I know you and your father haven’t always seen eye to eye on things, Ethan, especially where your career and Delilah are concerned, but he’s only ever wanted what’s best for you.”

I glance at my father, hooked up to machines, his future as uncertain as my own, and I worry that this animosity I feel toward him will never be resolved. It’s selfish and unfair, but I don’t know where else to put my anger.

My phone rings and I check the screen. It’s Josh Cooper, one of my former teammates from LA who was traded to Minnesota a few years ago. I told him I’d be in town tonight, and we’d talked about getting together while I was here.