When I’d seen him for the last time, I hadn’t known it was going to be the last time. It happened so fast and I was so in shock.

Maybe seeing him again, on my terms, would give me closure—even though I knew I was fooling myself. If anything, it would probably thrust me back to week one and I’d be over at Kristen’s bawling my eyes out by tonight, beating a pi?ata with a baseball bat.

But I had to go. If Zane’s letter hadn’t stirred up my shit, I would have held strong today. I would have dug in and tried to have fun with Adrian, had a few too many drinks with Kristen, and gotten through the night. But now all I wanted was to be where I knew Jason was. Barring me being so far away it was impossible to make it, I was going to end up there. It became true the second I’d read what Zane wrote.

I sniffled. “I want to see him.”

She shrugged. “Okay. The heart wants what the heart wants. Let’s go.” She marched out of the bathroom.

“What about Adrian?” I whispered, following her.

“He’ll be fine. I’ll tell Josh to take him to a strip club or something.” She walked up to the table and tapped her husband’s shoulder. “Give me the keys.”

He dug in his pocket and handed them to her. “What’s up?”

“Sloan doesn’t feel well. I’m taking her to a Jaxon Waters concert. You guys can get an Uber. I love you.” She gave him a swift peck on the cheek, hooked my arm in hers, and turned for the exit.

I waved lamely at Adrian as Kristen dragged me through the restaurant. “I had a really good time,” I called. “It was nice meeting you.”

He looked amused and gave me a wink.

We hopped in the car. “If we’re creeping on him we need to have disguises,” Kristen said, putting the car in reverse and backing out of the parking space. “There’s a party supply store a block down. We’ll go there first.”

Five minutes later she was handing me a pair of 1980s glasses from a Halloween clearance shelf.

I shook my head. “I am not wearing that.”

“His crew knows you, right?” she said, putting a hand on her hip. “You want someone recognizing you and telling him you’re there?”

I crossed my arms. “No…”

“Then you’re wearing this. You’re either blazing in like, ‘I’m here, bitches,’ or you’re going deep undercover. And if we’re undercover, we can’t sit in the front row. We’ll have to switch tickets with someone.”

I took a deep breath and let her slide the enormous glasses on my face.

“You need to hide your hair and your tattoos. Take my sweater,” she said, peeling it off and handing it to me.

I stared at it in my hand. “Is this crazy?”

She picked up a brown wig. “Maybe. But my job is to help you with your crazy. Make you the best, most magnificent crazy you can be.”

I snorted.

Kristen prepared me for the concert like I was a sacrifice delivering myself to an altar. I was fussed over and garbed.

I ended up wearing the hideous glasses and a beanie since we couldn’t get all my hair to stay under a wig—not to mention the wig made me look like a lunatic.

Kristen, on the other hand, did look like a lunatic.

Nobody but Jason would recognize her, but that didn’t stop her from going all out. She was wearing a mullet and some fake braces she’d bought. It was so funny I couldn’t stop laugh-sobbing the entire way to the Forum.

I was a mess. My whole body was shaking. My eyelid was in full revolt. When we got there, it took me ten minutes to gather the courage to even get out of the car.

Walking into the Forum felt off. I didn’t come into venues this way anymore. I came in the back, through service entrances, with the band. I hung out while they set up. Watched shows from backstage.

Now I was in the crush of the crowd. I had to go through metal detectors and get my tickets scanned. I was a spectator. A fan. Just one of his millions. No different from anyone else. And I guess that all made sense. After all, I was here to see Jaxon, not Jason.

I wasn’t even sure Jason existed anymore.

Kristen tried to get me to eat something, but I couldn’t. I let her buy me a bottled water and I waited by the merch tables for her while she ran to get it. I stared at the posters for sale. “I was with him when he took those pictures,” I said to Kristen when she came back. “I’d been standing there right off camera at the photo shoot.”

But there were other posters now too, pictures I hadn’t been there for. He didn’t want me there anymore. He’d ejected me from this life.

The betrayal surged back and I almost lost my nerve.

Zane’s expensive tickets weren’t a hard sell. We found a couple in the tenth row to trade us for our front-row seats. Now we were close enough to see him well, but too far for him to notice me from the stage.

I was nervous and jumpy through the whole opening act. When Grayscale did their last song and Jessa did her “Make some noise for Jaxon Waters!” I panicked and did debate leaving before he came out.

Maybe this was totally self-destructive. Maybe if I saw him, knowing that he’d never cheated on me, it might make things worse. I might have a harder time accepting that we weren’t together anymore if I wasn’t fortified with my pure rage.

“God. I can’t believe I’m doing this.”