She looked at me, looking to understand exactly what I wanted from her, exactly what she should confess.

“Here is what I know,” I said. “I know that I used to love Don.”

“I know that!” she said defensively. “I know you love Don. I’ve always known that.”

“I said I used to love Don. But I don’t think I’ve loved him for some time now.”

“OK.”

“Now the only person I think about is you.”

And with that, I went upstairs and packed my bags.

I HID OUT IN CELIA’S apartment for a week and a half, in purgatory. Celia and I slept, chastely, side by side in her bed every night.

During the day, I stayed in her apartment and read books while she went to work on her new movie for Warner Brothers.

We did not kiss. We occasionally lingered a little too long when our arms brushed, when our hands touched, never locking eyes. But in the middle of the night, after we both had appeared to fall asleep, I would feel her body against my back and I would push myself into her, feeling the warmth of her stomach against me, her chin in the crook of my neck.

Some mornings I would wake up in a pile of her hair and inhale deeply, trying to breathe in as much of her as I could.

I knew that I wanted to kiss her again. I knew that I wanted to touch her. But I didn’t know exactly what I was supposed to do or how it was supposed to work. It was easy to think of that one kiss in a dark laundry room as a fluke. It wasn’t even that hard to tell myself that the feelings I had for her were simply platonic.

As long as I only indulged my thoughts about Celia sometimes, then I could tell myself it wasn’t real. Homosexuals were misfits. And while I didn’t think that made them bad people—after all, I loved Harry like a brother—I wasn’t ready to be one of them.

So I told myself that the spark between Celia and me was just a quirk we had. Which was convincing as long as it remained quirky.

Sometimes reality comes crashing down on you. Other times reality simply waits, patiently, for you to run out of the energy it takes to deny it.

And that is what happened to me one Saturday morning when Celia was in the shower and I was making eggs.

There was a knock at the door, and when I opened it, I saw the only face I was happy to see on that side of the threshold.

“Hi, Harry,” I said, leaning in to hug him. I was careful not to get my runny spatula on his nice oxford shirt.

“Look at you,” he said. “Cooking!”

“I know,” I said as I moved out of the way and invited him in. “Hell has frozen over, I guess. Would you like some eggs?”

I led him toward the kitchen. He peeked into the pan. “How well have you mastered breakfast?” he asked.

“If you’re asking if your eggs will be burned, the answer is probably.”

Harry smiled and put a large, heavy envelope on the dining room table. The thwap it made as it hit the wood was all the clue I needed to what it contained.

“Let me guess,” I said. “I’m getting a divorce.”

“It would appear you are.”

“On what grounds? I assume his lawyers didn’t check the boxes for adultery or cruelty.”

“Abandonment.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Clever.”

“The grounds don’t matter. You know that.”

“I know.”

“You should read through it, have a lawyer read through it. But there’s essentially one big highlight.”

“Tell me.”

“You get the house and your money and half of his.”

I looked at Harry as if he was trying to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. “Why would he do that?”

“Because you are forbidden to talk to anyone at any time about anything that happened during your marriage.”

“Is he also forbidden?”

Harry shook his head. “Not in writing, no.”

“So I can’t talk, and he can blab all over town? What makes him think I’ll go for that?”

Harry looked down at the table for a moment and then back up at me, sheepish.

“Sunset’s dropping me, aren’t they?”

“Don wants you out of the studio. Ari’s planning to loan you out to MGM and Columbia.”

“And then what?”

“And then you’re on your own.”

“Well, that’s fine. I can do that. Celia’s freelance. I’ll get an agent, like her.”

“You can,” Harry said. “And I think you should try, but . . .”

“But what?”

“Don wants Ari to blackball you from getting an Oscar nod, and Ari’s agreeing to it. I think he’s gonna loan you out and purposefully put you in flops.”

“He can’t do that.”

“He can. And he will, because Don’s the goose that laid the golden egg. The studios are all hurting. People aren’t going to the movies as much; they are waiting for the next episode of Gunsmoke. Sunset’s been in decline from the minute we were forced to sell off our theaters. We’re staying afloat because of stars like Don.”

“And stars like me.”

Harry nodded. “But—and I’m sorry to say it, but I think it’s important that you see the big picture—Don’s worth a lot more asses in the seats than you are.”

I felt about two inches tall. “That hurts.”

“I know,” Harry said. “And I’m sorry.”

The water in the bathroom turned off, and I heard Celia step out of the shower. There was a breeze coming in from the window. I wanted to shut it, but I didn’t move. “So that’s it. If Don doesn’t want me, no one does.”

“If Don doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you. I realize it’s a subtle difference, but . . .”

“But it is vaguely reassuring.”

“Good.”

“So that’s his play? Don ruins my life and buys my silence with a house and less than a million dollars?”

“That’s a lot of money,” Harry said, as if it mattered, as if it helped.

“You know I don’t care about money,” I said. “At least, not primarily.”

“I know.”

Celia came out of the bathroom in a robe, her hair wet and straight. “Oh, hi, Harry,” she said. “I’ll just be a minute.”

“No need to hurry on my account,” he said. “I was just leaving.”

Celia smiled and walked into the bedroom.

“Thank you for bringing it,” I said.

Harry nodded.

“I did it once, I can do it again,” I said to him as we walked to the door. “I can build the whole thing back up from scratch.”

“I have never doubted that you could do a single thing you put your mind to.” Harry put his hand on the doorknob, ready to go. “I’d like it if . . . I hope that we can still be friends, Evelyn. That we can still—”

“Oh, shut up,” I said. “We’re best friends. Who may or may not tell each other everything. That doesn’t change. You still love me, right? Even though I’m about to be on the outs?”

“I do.”

“And I still love you. So that’s the end of it.”

Harry smiled, relieved. “OK,” he said. “It’s me and you.”

“Me and you, true blue.”

Harry walked out of the apartment, and I watched him go down the street and get into his car. Then I turned around and rested my back against the door.

I was going to lose everything I had built my life on.

Everything except the money.

I still had the money.

And that was something.

And then I realized there was something else waiting for me, something I wanted that I was free to have.

It was there, with my back against the door of her apartment, on the brink of my divorce from the most popular man in Hollywood, that I realized that lying to myself about what I wanted took far more energy than I had.

So instead of wondering what it meant and what it made me, I stood up and walked into Celia’s room.

She was in her robe still, drying her hair in front of her vanity.