The Sweetest Oblivion Page 82
We weren’t going home. I didn’t dare say a word, but as the awareness settled in of where we headed, a hollow ache in my chest grew emptier every mile.
He parked, and I got out of the car and followed him. I stood side-by-side with him in the elevator, but he’d yet to even look at me. A ping sounded, and the doors opened to the penthouse apartment. Every shallow breath hurt.
A dark-haired man in a suit stood in the small hallway. I vaguely recognized him, but couldn’t put a name to the face. He gave my husband a small nod.
Nico unlocked the door and flicked on the lights. Numbly, I stepped inside behind him.
He stood by the open door, his gaze focused above my head. “James will be outside. He has a phone you can use if you need anything.” His voice was cold and distant.
I wanted to say something, anything, so he would look at me. “I want my own phone.”
His volatile eyes finally came to me. I ached for him to touch me, for the roughness of his hands on my face, his deep voice in my ear.
“You had a phone. You chose not to use it.”
“I will now,” was all I could think to say.
His jaw tightened. “I’ll have one brought to you then.”
He’ll have one brought to me.
He was done with me then? He hadn’t even let me explain. Maybe he didn’t care. I stole from him, and that, he couldn’t forgive. My eyes burned, and I blinked to keep the tears at bay. “Thank you.”
His bitter laugh was quiet. A small shake of his head.
“Luca will bring your bag by soon,” he said, turning to leave.
“Nico.”
He stopped with his back to me, his shoulders tensing.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed.
A few seconds passed, and when I thought he might respond, he walked out and shut the door behind him.
I stared blankly until the numbness turned into despair that scratched at my chest, stole my breath, and bubbled up my throat in sobs.
“So the lover must struggle for words.”
—T.S. Eliot
MY HEARTBEATS SHATTERED ONE BY one, sending a raw ache through my chest.
My vision blurred behind tears and the shimmer of the sun on the marble floors. Once the crying began, it flowed like I’d just opened a dam that had been closed off for years. I stood in the middle of a beautiful apartment and felt nothing but cold and empty. The emptiness expanded until it threatened to eat me alive.
How fitting my belief had been that Nico was an addiction, because this felt like the worst sort of withdrawal. I was beginning to realize it was more than that—it was love, and this was heartbreak.
I went to the master bathroom, turned on the shower, climbed in, and cried some more. My mind spun with desperate thoughts of how to fix this, but they all ended on a hopeless note when I thought of his coldness today.
Nausea rolled in my stomach.
I’d tried not to fall in love with him, and I’d fallen so hard I was physically sick at his rejection. I could have laughed if I’d had any energy leftover from crying.
I got out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel, and walked into the bedroom. My bag lay next to the door, and my heart clenched at the sight. A weak sense of vulnerability coasted through me at the thought of Luca hearing me cry. Any other day it would have been humiliating, but as a numbness settled in, the thought drifted away.
Instead of wearing something of mine, I found one of Nico’s plain t-shirts in the dresser and slipped it on. He could be done with me, but I wasn’t ready yet. I missed him already, with a physical sense of loss that ached.
It was still midday when I climbed into bed. It felt too large without Nico. I’d been sleeping with him for a week and now there was a big void on the mattress where he should be.
I wondered if he would let some other woman sleep in his bed. My chest tightened and burned at the thought. I hated any woman who got to touch him, to hear his voice in her ear and have his full attention. I hated her so much and she wasn’t even real yet.
If anything, I now understood why women stuck by the men in this world, no matter what they did or said. Love. Why couldn’t it work both ways?
I lay there and watched the sun drift behind the horizon until I finally fell asleep.
Red and yellow lights blurred through the floor-to-ceiling windows and into the dark room. I blinked at the alarm clock that read one a.m. and then rolled onto my back. Fear hit me in the chest, but it was quickly replaced with a relief so strong I felt breathless.
He sat on the side of the bed with his back toward me, his elbows on his knees, and his gaze out the window.
From his mere presence, my heart began to sew itself back together. I knew the stitches would tear once he walked away from me again.
“Start at the beginning,” he rasped.
Every cell in my body filled with desperation, longing, and hope.
I sat up. “Of today, or—?”
“Last winter, when you ran.”
Inhaling a shaky breath, I began to tell him about how and why I left. Everything from Oscar to the carousel to him. How I met him, how I had to watch my uncle kill him, and, wanting to get everything out in the open, that I slept with him.
His shoulders tensed. “You realize you gave him something that belongs to me, don’t you?”
I opened my mouth and closed it. How very Nico-like to claim ownership of my body before he’d even met me.
“How many?” he asked.
“How many what?”
“Men,” he growled.
I wanted to say, “You first,” for the sake of pointing out a double standard, but truthfully there wasn’t a tiny part of me that wanted to know how many women he’d been with. I pulled at a loose thread on the comforter.
“Two,” I whispered. “You and him. I haven’t even kissed another man. I swear it.”
A stillness settled over the room as I listened to my hopeful heartbeats and he stared straight ahead. He still wore the same clothes from earlier and I wondered what he’d done today, who he was with, and if he’d thought of me at all.
“Tell me why you were with Sebastian,” he said.
“I ran into him at the bank. I told him not to follow me but . . . he’s persistent.”
“He’s a fucking idiot,” was what Nico muttered.
Is. Present tense, meaning he was currently alive. Relief filled me.
I could see the lightest reflection of him in the window, smeared with yellow city lights. He glanced at his hands, asking, “Did you love him?” His tone was indifferent, but a hint of something raw bled through.
I knew he was no longer speaking of Sebastian.
“No,” I said. “I hardly even knew him.”
He let out a dry breath, running a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck before giving his head a shake. “Your sister seems to be under a different impression.”
I closed my eyes when I remembered our last conversation and her “Uh-oh.” After sawing my bottom lip between my teeth for a moment, I said, “Adriana assumed, nothing more.”
Sirens echoed up the walls of the building as silence swept back in. A heavy tension lay beneath.
“The ring?” he asked.
“I wore it because I felt guilty, not because I loved him.”