“This is mine,” I whisper louder, not holding back the possession in my voice.

A strangled moan fills the air. At first I don’t know if it’s from me or her, but the sweet cadence of her voice prolongs the sound of pleasure as her body writhes against mine. She’s so close.

I tear the thin lace fabric of her panties off in one tug after ripping it with my thumb and watch her face as her eyes pop open. The gorgeous greens stare back at me with a mix of emotions, the overwhelming two being desire and vulnerability.

I don’t give her the chance to second-guess this. This is how we’re meant to be. Together, raw and bared.

I only release my grip on her to unzip my pants. The sound mixes with Kat’s heavy breathing.

“Evan,” she says, whispering my name as if it’s a question.

She wants me, although she knows we shouldn’t do this. Fuck, I know she’s going to question this. Maybe even regret it. But she just needs to feel me again; she needs this as much as I do.

I press the head of my dick against her opening and slide myself through her slick folds, teasing her and watching as her eyes close tight. She squirms when I just barely touch her clit.

So close.

“Evan,” she whispers again and this time it’s a plea. One I can satisfy.

In one swift stroke I slam into her all the way to the hilt, making her scream out.

Her blunt nails dig into my shoulders as her body is forced against the wall and her head falls back.

I kiss her throat ravenously, desperate to taste her, but not willing to mute the sounds of pleasure she’s making.

My thrusts are primal, ruthless. I take from her over and over. Each time her back hits the wall, her whimpers get louder and louder.

Her grip tightens as my balls draw up. My spine tingles with the need to release, but I need her to find hers with me. I’m desperate to feel her walls tighten around my cock. Desperate to feel her pulsing and lost in pleasure.

The moment I think I can’t take any more, she gives me what I need. Screaming out my name as her orgasm rips through her body.

“Fuck,” I groan into the crook of her neck. My dick pulses and I come hard, buried deep inside of her. My heart hammers hard and fast and refuses to stop as she clings to me for dear life. A cold sweat lines my skin. Her eyes are closed and her teeth are digging into her bottom lip when I finally look at her.

“I love you, Kat,” I whisper as I pull away from her, finally breathing and starting to come down from the highest high.

“I love …” Kat starts to reply, but she doesn’t finish. She doesn’t look me in the eyes.

She’s so ashamed to love me, she can’t even say it back.

Kat

I don’t know what I’m more ashamed about as I carelessly toss the throw blanket over one arm of the sofa and force myself get up, still feeling the ache between my thighs.

The fact that I fucked my husband.

Or the fact that I then refused to go to bed with him.

Not that I told him so much. I hid behind work and then snuck out here to the living room. I didn’t sleep on the sofa for more than a few hours. Maybe that’s all I’m entitled to for being so weak and falling right into his arms the moment he pulled me in.

It’s like our union is a spiraling dark hole and I’m falling deeper and deeper, to the point where what I want and what I’m feeling don’t make sense and nothing adds up. Not that I could hold on to anything anyway; I’ve lost all control.

I couldn’t possibly feel more pathetic at this point.

Because I love him and hate myself for it.

I glance at my phone on the dining room table as I make my way to the kitchen, the charging cord is in a tangled heap on the floor.

I already know what Sue would say. She’d feel sorry for me for going back to the man who cheated on me. Her lips would purse in that way where it’s obvious she’s holding back some snarky remark.

Pity and sorrow for the pathetic girl, clinging to an unfaithful man. Even the bitter thought echoes what I already know she’d say.

The thing about love though is that it’s not a light switch. You can’t just turn it off. No matter how much you may want to, you can’t erase the memories and move on. Sue knows that much, she just chooses to forget that it’s not so easy.

My head throbs and I’m not sure if it’s from the lack of sleep or the absence of caffeine. Even the faint sounds of city life from stories down are enough to make my temples pulse. I’ve felt more put together with a hangover than I do now. This is not the unfortunate side effect of too much cabernet last night. I wish it was only that.

I groan as I rest against the wall of the living room and try to calm the headache. I close my eyes and feel the weight of all the stress from the last two weeks.

I need aspirin or coffee. Or both. My heart sputters as I slowly walk up the stairs, knowing Evan’s lying in bed alone and that it was my choice.

As I pass the office I remember last night and my thighs clench; I can still feel him inside of me. His warm lips on my neck, his rough hands on my body … it’s more than a memory, the act still lingers on my skin. He took from me. Relentlessly, possessively. Each step brings my body temperature higher and higher, yet my heart hurts more and more.

Why won’t the pain just go away? Why can’t my head just shut the fuck up so I can pretend I’m okay for a single moment? Jules told me once I overthink everything. She was referring to some edits I gave her but still, the woman had a point.

The bedroom door is open and as I walk through the door, I can’t take my eyes off the perfectly made bed. The cream and white comforter printed with black dahlias is pulled tight, looking pristine. A crease forms in the center of my forehead as I walk to the bathroom, listening to my heart beat with each step, but finding the bathroom empty. Evan wasn’t downstairs, I think as I open the medicine cabinet and silently grab a bottle of aspirin. He wasn’t downstairs, and he’s not up here.

I swallow the pills without water, staring into the mirror as my heart clenches, the dark bags under my eyes looking significantly worse than yesterday morning. Did he even stay last night? Did he find me asleep on the sofa and decide to leave? It’s what I wanted, wasn’t it?

The cabinet door slams shut; I give the push more force than I meant to, but I ignore it, striding quickly down to the kitchen, the baggy T-shirt flowing around my thighs as one sleeve slips down my shoulder.

I just need coffee. Coffee will wake me, rid me of this headache and give me the energy I need to deal with this mess.

It is such a chaotic mess; I’m not sure how it possibly got worse than it was. A mix of emotions and desires that thrashes me side to side like an unforgiving earthquake. The only thing certain is that I can’t stand on my own two feet. At least not without a cup of coffee.

A sarcastic huff of a humorless laugh leaves me as I round the bottom of the stairs and head to the kitchen, a pitiful smile adorning my lips. Ask and you shall receive; I’m a spiteful self-fulfilling prophecy.

All the plans I had are threatening to blow away like the stubborn seeds of a dandelion. Marriage, traveling, success and recognition. Then what? A small bump at my stomach cradled by his hand on top of mine.

Using the wineglass from last night I left next to the sink, I fill it with water and pour it into the back of the coffee maker, remembering the days when having a child was on my mind. Back when my career was only a long shot of a dream, when my time was monopolized by Evan and we owned the world together. We could be and do anything we wanted.