“I’ve never been to that one,” I say, raising one eyebrow.

“Well, I'll have to take you sometime then.”

I smile.

He's flirting with me.

It's kind of a relief because this is the first time it feels like we are actually flirting since I came out here.

As we dig into our food, our conversation becomes a lot more casual and easy-going. The tension that seemed to exist when I first got here all but disperses and I start to feel a lot more comfortable.

“To tell you the truth, I was taken back a little bit by the fact that you showed me to my room,” I say after he pours me my second glass of wine.

The first one has already gone to my head and makes me feel a little bit less inhibited.

“Well, I didn't want you to think that you owed me anything. You came here for a week and I wanted you to be comfortable.”

“I appreciate that,” I say.

“You know that doesn't mean that I don't want to… You know… be with you,” Liam says and takes a sip of his wine.

He looks at me in that mischievous way that sends a shiver up my spine.

I strain my back and bite my lower lip.

“So… Why don't you?” I ask coyly.

Without needing anymore of an invitation, he reaches over the table and presses his lips onto mine.

He catches me completely by surprise, but then I immediately kiss him back.

Once our mouths collide and our tongues find each other, my heartbeat speeds up and I have to pull away to calm my breaths.

“What's wrong?” he asks.

I sigh deeply and pull my hands one on top of the other in my lap. I look up at him as he sits back in his chair.

“I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to… Make you uncomfortable.”

“No, not at all. It was actually really nice.”

I don't know why I suddenly feel so nervous. My heartbeat is pounding so loud that I can barely make out what he's saying.

I have a history of panic attacks and suddenly it feels like one is coming on.

Liam continues to say something, but at this point I can't understand a word.

“Just ignore him,” I say silently to myself. “Take a deep breath. Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth, just like you learned in meditation.”

I should meditate every day, I know this, and so many people do to all of those meditation apps. I did for a while and it made me feel a lot better. The panic attacks have subsided, but then I got lazy.

Still, I haven't had one for a long time. I have no idea why my anxiety is suddenly rearing its ugly head.

“Are you okay?” Liam asks and I realize that he is leaning over me, with his arm around my shoulder.

I look at him, but all I see are black spots interspersed with bright spots.

“Just ignore everything,” I say to myself, focusing my eyes straight ahead.

I breathe in through my nose and out of my mouth.

I do this over and over again.

Slowly, very slowly, but also very deliberately.

Then the spots start to disappear.

My breathing calms me down. My anxiety subsides and when I look at him again, everything is fine.

“I'm sorry about that,” I whisper. “Sometimes I have these little panic attacks. I haven't had one for a long time but it's only just come over me.”

“Please, don't apologize for that. Are you okay?”

I nod.

“Are you sure? Is there anything I can do?”

“Can I have some tea? Something decaffeinated?”

“I have mint and decaffeinated Irish breakfast.”

“Mint is great,” I say.

When he rushes over to the kitchen to put the kettle on, I get up slowly from my seat and walk over to the couch.

Instead of plopping down, I descend onto it very slowly.

I continue to breathe, deliberately, taking note of every breath. I stare straight ahead and think of the color blue, light turquoise, reminiscent of the glazing on one of the pots on the coffee table.

When Liam comes over with our cups of tea, he hands me mine and watches me as I take a sip.

“Okay,” I say, smiling out the corner of my mouth. “I think I'm all better now.”

“It's okay. Just take it easy. I didn't mean to make you panic.”

“It has nothing to do with anything that you did,” I reassure him.

“Really? I kissed you and you had an anxiety attack.”

He laughs, trying to be self-deprecating, but I'm certain that he is concerned.

“Seriously,” I say, taking his hand in mine.

It feels good to interlock our fingers. His hands are rough and strong. Not at all like the hands that belong to a writer.

More like those of a cowboy.

They make me feel safe and loved.

“I'm fine,” I say, looking straight into his eyes. “I have a history of panic attacks and they tend to come on very suddenly. I want to be here. I want you to kiss me. Please don't take this as a sign that I don't.”

17

Liam

I wish that things had been different when Emma first arrived, but my mind was elsewhere.

I had cleaned the house and prepared a few salads because I wasn't sure what kind of food she prefers to eat. I did the laundry and put fresh sheets in the guest bedroom so that she wouldn’t feel like she had to sleep in my bed.

I was excited to see her again and I can’t believe that she said yes to come here for the week.

Then something changed. I go on Facebook, log into my old account, and see that my sister has had a baby. I haven't talked to her in seven years and when I left, she was just a baby herself, barely twenty-two years old.

Now she's married and a mother.

I have missed everything.

A big lump forms in the back of my throat and I can't think of anything except for the person that I used to be.

I have this brand-new life. I have more money than I’ve ever had in my life, but I don't have my family and I never will.

My thoughts are still on Kristen when Emma arrives.

I should be welcoming and polite and I am, at least as much as I can be, but my mind isn’t here and I know that Emma feels it.

I'm creating this tension between us, when I should really just come out and tell her the truth, but I can't.

I can't tell her anything because she's a journalist and the story will make her career.

The truth is that I don't trust her, not yet.

We barely just met. We have had a few moments, but we don't actually know each other.

She was engaged to a childhood friend of mine and now she isn't anymore.

What's to say that once she finds out the truth about me that she won't drop me just as quickly?

After I show Emma to her room and leave her to unpack, I turn my attention back to my phone.

I look at all the pictures that Kristen has posted and read all of the posts. She was in labor for twenty-four hours and she had an epidural, but it all went well.

Now I have a nephew who was born weighing 8 lbs. 7 oz. and his name is Tennyson.

Kristen is an English teacher and she got her master’s degree in English Literature and Romanticism.

Tennyson is one of her favorite poets and the name of her firstborn son is not lost on me.