Djane appears on the corner of the stage, holding her phone to her ear. Tiny uses the phone he was using to text in bed.

TINY (TO DJANE):

I know I’m a guy, so I should not make such rash generalizations—but, wow, guys can really get stuck on sex.

EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14 (murmuring as he talks):

Horny horny horny—

we’re just so

horny horny horny.

Horny horny horny—

we’re just so

horny horny

TINY:

(To Exes) Stop that! (To Djane) You see?

DJANE:

Can I give you some advice that sounds massively oversimplistic but is actually, I’ve found, somewhat helpful?

TINY:

Sure.

DJANE:

Ninety-seven percent of the time, it all comes down this: Don’t do what you don’t want to do. Ask yourself that simple question: Do I want to do this? If the answer is yes, go for it. If it’s anything but yes, don’t.

EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14

(singing one verse, then singing softly under the following dialogue):

Horny horny horny.

Horny horny horny.

DJANE:

Do any of them appeal to you?

TINY:

Not like this.

DJANE:

Do they care about you the way they should?

TINY:

No.

DJANE:

Do you want to do it?

TINY:

No.

DJANE:

There you go.

TINY:

But how do I tell them?

DJANE:

You’re Tiny Cooper. You mop them up with a song.

Tiny understands. As the song begins with some serious chordage, he gets out of bed and is joined by three backup dancers wearing matching pajamas. They are the ones who will mop up the ex-boyfriends while Tiny sings.

[“SAVING MYSELF”]

TINY:

All you boys who just want to mess around!

All you boys who can’t put up with me not

putting out!

I’ve got something to say to you—

and it goes something like this.

I’m saving myself for someone who treats me

better!

I’m saving myself for one I won’t regret!

If you want to go all the way,

I have to know you’re gonna stay

’cause I’m saving myself for someone who treats me better.

As Tiny sings the following, the backup dancers school the exes.

Keep it in your pants

and ask me to dance!

Get away from the bed

and talk to me instead!

We’re not going to go there

until you handle me with care!

EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14

(trying to fight back against the dancers):

Horny horny horny!

We’re just so

horny horny horny!

TINY

(as the dancers put the exes in their place):

If you’re just doing it ’cause you’re horny,

my bush is gonna be thorny!

I’m telling you—

I’m saving myself for someone who treats me

better!

I’m saving myself for one I won’t regret!

If you want to go all the way,

I have to know you’re gonna stay

’cause I’m saving myself for someone who treats me better.

If you want to go all the way

you better give me the time of day—

when other people see us together—

when other people are around.

I’m not a game that you’re playing.

I’m not a lie that you’re saying.

I am worth so much more than that.

Yes, I am worth so much more than that.

Someday my prince will come,

and when he does,

we’ll come and come and come.

But ’til that day I’m saving myself.

Oh, yes, I’m saving myself from you.

Because I am worth so much more than that.

Yes, I am worth so much more than that!

The number ends with Tiny slipping off to change while the backup dancers triumph once and for all over the exes, ultimately knocking all three of them into the bed and wheeling them offstage.

ACT II, SCENE 9

Tiny emerges wearing something casual—a T-shirt and jeans, perhaps. Whatever’s handy. It’s one of his less dynamic outfits.

TINY:

That felt good. For a day or two. Then I was back to trying. And failing.

Ex-boyfriends #13 through #17 come onto the stage and walk in a ring around Tiny.

TINY:

I exhausted them. They exhausted me. They lied about their hair color. I lied about liking their hair color. I swooned—and then I realized that swooning is really just another way of saying losing consciousness.

Each time I swore it was real—and it was real. A real disappointment. A real disaster. A real emptiness. I was less than a half, because I felt I couldn’t even be a half.

But I thought about what Oscar and Lynda had told me. If I didn’t have a boy, at least I had plenty of stories about boys. And honestly? Some of the stories were better than the boys themselves.

So, I thought, what could I do with these stories? Some people have poetry, or comics, or movies to make. Me? When I thought about it—really thought about it—I had songs.

I started to think of life in terms of a musical—this musical. I started to lose myself in writing it. It was about my life, and it was becoming my life.

The ring of ex-boyfriends leaves the stage.

TINY:

I was feeling low. And then I found something interesting:

Someone who was feeling even lower than I was.

A spotlight goes on and we see WILL, nearly catatonic on a curb. (If you can’t get a curb, a turned-over milk crate will do.) He is small and sad and clearly in pain.