Do not underestimate the attractiveness of this. Nellie Forbush, Anna Leonowens, and Maria von Trapp all fell for it. Granted, they all fell for widowers. But Will was like a teenage version of a widower—only it was his own life he was mourning. Something about that made me want to swoop in and make everything better, adopt his children, save his homeland. (Metaphorically on those last two.)

Back to the action onstage. Tiny walks over and considers Will for a second. Will doesn’t even notice . . . until Tiny speaks up.

TINY:

Hello there. I’m Tiny.

Tiny offers his hand. Will isn’t in a shaking mood, but he holds out his hand, too. Instead of shaking it, Tiny yanks him up to his feet. Because that’s what Will needs.

TINY:

Did someone die?

WILL:

Yeah, I did.

TINY:

Well, then . . . welcome to the afterlife.

Tiny turns to the audience for some exposition.

TINY (to audience):

Something really awful had just happened to Will. I’m not going to tell you what, because that’s his story, not mine. What’s important is that he needed someone—and I guess I needed to be someone’s someone. Even though he was a near-total stranger, I wanted to be there for him.

Tiny turns back to Will. And let me be clear here: Will is NOT into it. To a degree that Tiny doesn’t even come close to realizing. Because in Tiny’s mind, this is how things work—you meet cute, you stay cute, and you love cutely forever and ever, amen.

WILL:

You don’t have to stay with me. Really. I’m sure you have better things to do.

TINY:

What, and leave you here to mope?

WILL:

This is so far beyond moping. This is out-and-out despair.

TINY:

Awwww.

You may ask what’s going through Tiny’s mind right now. I know I asked myself that many times afterward. Here is this desperate, depressed boy, and all Tiny can see is how much he needs love. One of the great things about being large-bodied is you can believe you can bend a situation through sheer physical will, that your embrace has more power than, say, a twig like Will’s.

Tiny embraces Will in a big-ass hug.

WILL (choking):

I’m choking.

TINY (patting his hair):

There, there.

WILL (pushing Tiny away):

Dude, you’re not helping.

TINY (hurt):

You just duded me!

WILL:

I’m sorry. It’s just, I—

TINY:

I’m only trying to help!

WILL:

I’m sorry.

Tiny looks at Will, takes in all of his pain. It makes Will completely uncomfortable.

WILL:

What?

TINY:

Do you want to hear a song I’ve written?

WILL:

Excuse me?

TINY:

It’s from a musical I’m working on. It’s based on my life. I think one of the songs might help right now.

There is this amazing scene at the end of the first act of Once when Guy gets on top of the bar and starts to play “Gold.” The crowd is hostile at first, but one by one, they start playing instruments and dancing, and soon the whole stage is alive with music, as Girl wanders among the crowd, her face beaming with awestruck wonder at the remarkable thing that this song is doing. It’s a perfect picture of what we musical devotees believe—that the right song at the right time can stop all the clocks, wipe away all the cares, and gently make you see the world in a new way. We believe this because we have felt it. We believe this because ultimately this is what we have to offer. Music. Words. Songs. A little light choreography.

It may seem ridiculous for Tiny to burst out into song here. Will certainly finds it ridiculous. But in Tiny’s heart, it makes perfect sense.

Tiny closes his eyes, opens his arms, and belts out “IT WASN’T YOU.” He is full of all the injustice that he’s suffered at the hands of thoughtless ex-boyfriends. And he assumes this is why Will is feeling so bad, too. Plus, he’s trying to impress the guy.

[“IT WASN’T YOU”]

TINY:

I thought you’d make my dreams come true

but it wasn’t you, it wasn’t you.

I thought this time it would all be new,

but it wasn’t you, it wasn’t you.

I pictured all the things we’d do

and now I feel my heart is through—

but it isn’t true, it isn’t true.

I may be big-boned and afraid

but my faith in love won’t be mislaid!

Though I’ve been completely knocked off course

I’m not getting off my faithful horse!

It wasn’t you, it’s true

but there’s more to life than you!

I thought you were a boy with a view,

you stuck-up, selfish, addled shrew.

You may have kicked me ’til I was blue

but from that experience I grew and grew.

It’s true, frock you,

there are better guys to woo—

it won’t be you, comprende vous?

It will never be you!

At the end, Tiny expects applause. And hopefully he gets some from the audience. But Will? Will stares at him, stunned.

WILL:

Who are you?

TINY:

Tiny Cooper!

WILL:

You can’t really be named Tiny.

TINY:

No. That’s irony.

WILL:

Oh.

TINY (tsking):

No need to “oh” me. I’m fine with it. I’m big-boned.

WILL:

Dude, it isn’t just your bones.