Pack Up the Moon Page 93
“I hate that life is going on without her,” Jen said wetly. “I hate it.”
He wanted to agree, because he knew exactly how she felt. He gripped Jen by her shoulders and made her look at him. “This is wonderful, and no one would be happier than Lauren. Except maybe me.” He squinted at her. “You know, I’m thinking Josh is a beautiful name. It’s time for me to have a namesake, and I’m totally available as godfather.”
It wasn’t great patter, no. But he was trying. He could not let Jen feel anything but joy radiating from him. He had to look after her. She was his family.
“What if it’s a girl?” she said, taking in that shaking breath that meant she was done crying.
“Josie? Joshilyn? Joss? We can figure something out.”
She laughed, and Josh’s heart contracted. Lauren would appreciate that. She’d be grateful that he made her sister smile.
“Jen,” he said, “this thing about me being your brother-in-law, you being my sister-in-law . . .”
“Yeah?” she asked, frowning. “Don’t tell me you have a crush on me.”
“Well, of course I do,” he said, though he didn’t and never had, but this was how people connected, he understood, this light flirting and teasing. “But it gets complicated, explaining how we’re linked. Maybe I could . . .” He hesitated. “Maybe I could just call you my sister.”
Again her eyes filled with tears. “You’re the best, Josh,” she said, grabbing another cookie. “You’re the best. I always wanted a baby brother. I used to dress Lauren up in boy clothes, did you know that?”
When she left a while later, taking all the cookies at his insistence, he went into his bedroom, looked at the dogwood tree, which was obscenely healthy, and had a good cry.
* * *
THANK GOD FOR the internet. Josh ordered gifts for the kids, Jen and Darius (a gift certificate to a really nice restaurant with his own babysitting services thrown in), his mom, Donna, Radley and Sarah. He’d had to go out for coffee the other day, and every damn couple seemed pink-cheeked and healthy and in love, every family filled with the holiday spirit, happiness oozing out of them like radioactive sludge.
Not that he was bitter.
God, he was so bitter. A year ago, Lauren had needed to measure out her energy carefully, but they’d still done every Christmas tradition, baked dozens of cookies, listened to Christmas music ad nauseam, put out the reindeer throw pillows and Santa mugs. No one had told him it would be their last Christmas. No one told her.
He felt like an aging, brittle piece of paper that would disintegrate if touched. He stayed away from people as much as he could. However, he couldn’t avoid Christmas completely.
He and Radley went to the Eddy—sometime in the fall after Josh’s date with Cammie, they’d started meeting there every Wednesday night. This Wednesday, however, was a mistake—the place was mobbed with Christmasy people, and music, and decorations, and drinks. Josh told Radley about meeting his father, needing almost to yell over the noise, and God, Josh was going to start screaming and stabbing people with the fancy toothpick that speared the cranberry garnish in his drink.
Focus on someone else, loser, he could imagine Lauren saying. “Do you have plans for the holidays, Rad?” he asked.
“You mean, besides the retail hell I live and breathe?” He took a sip of his bourbon and waved to someone he knew.
“Yeah, besides that.”
“No. I plan to order Chinese food and watch horror movies.”
Lucky. Josh took a sip of his smoked grapefruit martini. “Why don’t you come to my mom’s house? Christmas Eve. She has a big party. The Swedes love Christmas.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She’d love it. She’s been dying to meet you.” He hesitated. “And I’d be very . . . grateful to have you there.”
“I’d love to come. Thank you, Joshua.” Radley’s face was endearingly sincere.
“I got you a present,” Josh said. “Can I give it to you now? It’ll be crazy at my mom’s.”
“Of course! I love presents!”
Josh pulled a box out of his messenger bag. “Sorry I didn’t wrap it,” he said.
“You have the right to hate Christmas this year, Josh.” He opened the box to reveal a bracelet made of strands of leather clamped together with three steel rings. Each ring had a word stamped in hangul characters.
“It’s Korean,” Josh explained. “My friend Ben helped me. This says ‘friend,’ this one says ‘kind person,’ and this one says ‘brother.’” He waited, hoping it wasn’t too much.
Radley stared at him a second, then put his hand over his eyes to hide his tears, and Josh knew he’d done well.
“I love it so much,” Radley said, putting it on. “My God, Josh, it’s perfect. Are you sure you’re not gay? Seriously, thank you.” His mouth wobbled. “You know, I try to keep my own family out of my head, but holidays are . . . well. They’re hard. And this . . .” He gestured to the bracelet. “This means so much to me. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. You’ve been really kind.” He thought back to that night in the Banana Republic dressing room. Radley had been more than kind. He’d been practically a guardian angel. “Besides,” he added, “I always wanted a brother.”
Radley got up and hugged him, and Josh hugged back, glad for his friend, awkward with the affection. Radley wiped his eyes and sat back down, and Josh was grateful when the conversation turned to Radley’s evil Human Behavior professor. That was one of the best things about Radley, Josh thought as he watched his pal talk with great animation. He carried the conversation 90 percent of the time.