“The legendary son-in-law,” Bill said, shifting the baby so he could shake Josh’s hand. “I’ve heard so many great things about you. Merry Christmas.”

“Really nice to meet you,” Josh said, faking good cheer. “And, um . . . same! Great things.”

It was crowded and noisy; Sebastian was strung out with excitement, making Octavia overly excited, too. The strangers from the lab were all very chatty and conversational, Darius and Radley were apparently in competition to become his mother’s favorite son, bending over backward to help and compliment her. Donna and Bill were trying to keep Octavia happy, Jen was busy checking NORAD with Sebastian, the Kims were trying to woo his mother into taking another vacation with them, and now telling Donna she should come, too.

Guess they were all in the acceptance phase.

Suddenly, the red tar rose in his vision. How dare everyone be happy? This was Lauren’s holiday. The first Christmas without her, goddamnit. He wanted to bellow out his rage and pain; he wanted to kick Darius, who was telling some story that had half the room howling with laughter; he wished Sebastian would quiet the fuck down; he hated that his mother had done everything she always did on Christmas Eve. Where was the space for Lauren? Where was the acknowledgment? He didn’t want to soldier on. He wanted to . . . break something.

He pictured himself standing under cold water, cooling the rage. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Cold water. Yes. The waterfall in Hawaii they’d hiked to. That cold water, Lauren in a bathing suit, giggling as she wrapped herself around him.

Oh, Lauren.

Ben came over. “Need to step outside, son?” he murmured, a firm hand on his shoulder.

Just like that, the red was gone. Josh was being an ungrateful ass. All these people loved him, and he was about to have a meltdown like an overtired toddler. He glanced at Ben, shook his head. “Sorry. I was just . . . having a moment.”

“It’s understandable, Josh. We’re all thinking of her. All doing our best.”

“I know.”

“Honey, would you put the gubbröra in the red bowl?” his mother asked him with a perceptive look.

“Sure thing, Mom.”

He nodded at Ben and did as he was told.

Over dinner, Jen’s pregnancy was announced, and they all drank champagne, with apple juice for the mama-to-be and kids.

Then Jen raised her glass and said, “To my sister,” and they drank again, and Jen started crying, which made Donna cry, and Octavia joined in, and soon everyone was crying.

Except Josh (and the lab people). The tears didn’t come. He couldn’t talk around the lump in his throat or the ache in his chest. He nodded at the table, then picked up Octavia and brought her in to see the Christmas tree.

He was so tired. So tired of Lauren being dead. So tired of grief. Tired of well-wishers and hugs and a family that didn’t have Lauren in it anymore.

Sarah came in and put her arms around him and Octavia. Didn’t say anything, just leaned her head on his shoulder, and the ache in his chest became a knife, a dull, serrated knife that just about killed him.

Merry fucking Christmas.

“Thank you, Sarah,” he murmured. The lights on the tree winked, and Josh felt a hundred years old.

* * *

HE’D BEEN SMART enough to turn down invitations for Christmas Day, though his mom had hounded him to go to church with her, and Jen had pleaded with him to come watch the kids open their presents (at six a.m.). The forum had told him he could do whatever he wanted this first year of holidays without her, and so without much thought, he found himself heading east on I-195. Pebbles slept in the back seat, occasionally rousing to press her nose against the window.

The sky was gray, and there was no snow on the ground. Once he passed New Bedford, there were hardly any cars. Everyone was already where they were supposed to be. Everyone but him.

The Cape was quiet for the season, and the house they’d rented last summer was unoccupied. The shades were drawn, giving off a melancholy, lonely look. He pulled into the driveway, got out, and the smell of the ocean hit him hard. The thunderous crash of the surf brought him right back to the last time he’d been here. When he was still a husband. When his mission in life was to look after his wife.

Would the code to the door lock still work? Should he peek in the windows? No. It would hurt too much to see this place, empty without her laugh, her smile, her sparkliness.

Pebbles ran delightedly around the outside of the house, peed, then raced down the steep path to the beach. Josh followed. The smell of salt was strong, and the ocean was wild and beautiful, thanks to a full moon tonight and a tropical storm down the coast. Waves broke as far as he could see, a roiling white surf in a pounding, ceaseless roar. Pebbles fruitlessly chased a flying seagull, then found a stick and ran around with it, playing fetch with herself, dashing into the waves, then darting back.

Josh sat on the damp sand and looked at the view.

He could walk into that water and be dead of hypothermia in a relatively short time. Or drown, though he’d prefer hypothermia. The water was probably just above freezing, and he didn’t have a lot of body fat. If he swam out far enough, nature would take him. And wouldn’t it be appropriate, to die here? Would Lauren come for him the way she had imagined her father would come for her? Would they finally be together again?

What did he really have in this life that was worth keeping?

A lot, he knew, thinking of Octavia’s soft warmth in his arms, of Jen’s love, his mother’s constancy. Ben and Sumi. Radley. Darius. Sarah. All of them. Pebbles, who well might follow him into the ocean and drown herself, and he couldn’t let that happen.

But he stared at the crashing waves just the same.

He imagined going back up to the house, and instead of it being empty and cold, everyone was there. Lauren, healthy and pregnant, her whole family, all of his. Instead of last night’s exhaustion, it would be so happy. So filled with joy. Because that’s what Lauren did. She made the world happy. Everyone who knew her was better because of it. The house would smell so good, and they’d laugh, and he’d hug her and put his hand on her stomach, and after everyone had left, they’d go into their bedroom and make love to the sound of the waves.