By now my heart is speeding so far ahead of my brain I can’t even see it anymore. Something about Jason’s words have burrowed into my mind: I don’t have to put on a show for you. With a slight start, I realize how true this feels for me, too. How much I’ve been putting on a show for everyone around me—the twins, Leah, Yujin, my parents, all the DB execs. Constantly being perfect Rachel, well-behaved Rachel, talented Rachel, sister Rachel, daughter Rachel. But with Jason, today, for the first time in months I feel like I’ve just been me. Rachel Kim. And it feels good.

I want to say all this to Jason, but something holds me back. Saying those words feels like heading down a path I wouldn’t be able to turn back from. A path that would jeopardize everything I’ve been working toward for the past six years. My life with DB might not be perfect, especially now, but it’s still my life. My family’s life. And I can’t turn my back on that. On everything they’ve given up for me. On everything I’ve wished for myself. Not yet.

“Your mother may have liked me, but what about your father?” I say lightheartedly, steering us back into joking territory. “I hope my impression is good enough to woo the whole family.”

He laughs, but a strained look flashes across his face for the briefest of seconds. “He’s a little harder to win over, but if anyone could do it, it would be you.” His face softens again. “Rachel. I have to tell you something. I think—” He pauses, shaking his head and straightening the collar of his shirt. “I think… I mean, do you—”

Suddenly, Leah wakes up, yawning and stretching her arms across my body. “Unni, are we there yet?”

“Not yet,” I say, grateful for the interruption. Whatever Jason was about to ask me, I know I’m not ready to answer it right now. “Keep sleeping.”

She dozes back off, and I glance at Jason and smile. “We should get some rest too. Long day.”

“Right.” He gives me a half smile back. “Well, rest well.”

I can see disappointment mixing with some other feeling I can’t quite pinpoint in his eyes. I turn my body away from Jason, half hoping he’ll grab my hand and ask the question that he was going to before Leah interrupted us—but he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything for the rest of the trip.

Fourteen

Kakao!

My phone pings with a message from Leah: Break a leg! followed by a whole cast of Kakao characters waving flags in the air.

I grin and send her a selfie of me sitting in the dressing room backstage, my hair sleek and shiny with hair spray. The room is buzzing as stylists, wardrobe fitters, and trainers rush around, preparing for DB’s summer pop-up concert, featuring Electric Flower. It’s also where Mina, Jason, and I will be filming the live music video for our single. It’s hot in the crowded dressing room, but my skin prickles with goose bumps. When Yujin first told me we were going to film a music video, I didn’t realize it would be a live recording. That means if I screw up, it will live forever on the internet. No retakes. No do-overs. I swallow. Nope. I’m not going to screw up. I won’t let myself.

But maybe I could use a little luck.

“Just about done.” The hairdresser smiles at me in the mirror as she pins my floral headpiece into place. “Nervous for your performance?”

“No.” I laugh. “Yes. Maybe a little?”

She smiles at me. “I’m sure you’ll be great. You’re singing with Jason Lee, after all! You’re so lucky.”

I gulp. “Um, right. Actually, would you somehow be able to add this to my hair?” I slip a sparkly red scrunchie from around my wrist and hold it up to the hairdresser. “It’s kind of a good-luck charm.”

I feel ridiculous saying it, but the hairdresser laughs, amused. “I think I can fit it into your updo.”

Juhyun and Hyeri got me the scrunchie this past week in Myeong-dong. We were walking through the bustling streets, sandwiched between hundreds of shops and street-food vendors. Juhyun was on a mission for the perfect hair accessory that would put her YouTube following to over three million.

“I still can’t believe Jason flew you and Leah out to Tokyo on a private plane,” Juhyun said, shaking her head. “That is some next-level courting.”

“It wasn’t courting,” I said, flushing. “It was self-care.”

“How long are you going to sseom ta with him?” Hyeri asked, eating a twisty green-and-white ice-cream cone the length of her arm. “There’s no point in denying that you guys have chemistry.”

“It’s not like that,” I insisted. But even I know I’m not telling her the whole truth. Ever since our flight back from Tokyo, I can’t stop thinking about Jason. I’ve gone through four bonsai trees in botany class, and Juhyun insists on being my doubles partner in gym every day, which really means I stand there while she runs around the court hitting every single ball. I’ve been so preoccupied. To be honest, even when I’m thinking about Jason, I’m not really thinking about Jason.

I’m thinking about Kang Jina.

More specifically, I’m thinking about everything she said to me in Jeju. Having a boyfriend isn’t just difficult; it’s dangerous. No one ever proved that Suzy Choi was cut from the program because she had a boyfriend. (In fact, just last week some newbie trainee whose mom works in the DB admin office swore that Suzy was cut because of a botched eyelid surgery). And then there’s Song Gyumin. I mean, Jina was holding hands with him. In public! So how exactly is having a boyfriend so “dangerous”? It’s not that I don’t believe her. Or that I do. But… I just don’t know what to think. And even if I did, I still wouldn’t know how I felt about Jason. And even if I knew how I felt about Jason, I still wouldn’t know what to do about it. How could a cute boy who loves Leah and says it feels good to be around me be a “danger”? But how could I risk my entire career—my whole future as a K-pop singer—on a boy?

Basically, everything is a mess.

“I shouldn’t even be thinking about this,” I said, waving my hands at the twins. “The music-video performance is coming up this weekend, and I’m freaking out. Do you know how many cameras are going to be on me at once?”

Juhyun paused, plucking up a sparkly red scrunchie off a rack in the accessory store we were in. “Here. A good-luck charm, from us to you.”

She slipped it around my wrist while Hyeri fished out her wallet. She winked at me as she paid. “We better see you working it onstage!”

I look at the scrunchie in my hair now. It actually looks pretty good with the rest of my outfit. It matches my lipstick perfectly and adds a pop of color to my checkered pants and black crop top. I’m K-pop meets the Queen of Hearts.

I snap another selfie, tilting my head to show off the scrunchie, and send it to the twins. I send the photo to Akari too, typing, Almost ready for the stage! With a little gift from the Cho twins. What do you think?

All the trainees are required to be at the concert, but I haven’t seen Akari yet. In fact, I haven’t seen her at all since I got home from Tokyo. It feels weird to go so many days without talking—and even weirder that she doesn’t know I went to Japan for the first time last week.